Even Me

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: Not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. I John 4:9-10

I love my children. There is nothing they can do that will cause me to love them more. Equally so, there is nothing they can do to erase my love for them. It is an indescribable love. God tells me that he loves me in his Word. He tells me that his love for me is so great that he gave his son. I read those words, I accept that most precious gift. But do I really understand the depth of that love? Do I live my life as I believe that he loves ...me? Do I live there? So much of the time...I do not.

I know my children. I can tell by the expression on their faces, their body language, or how they speak if they are sad, excited, happy or worried. The Psalmist speaks of how God knows us in Psalm 139:1-3: O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going and my lying down; you are familiar with my ways. God understands me better than anyone. Just as I know my children, so he knows me. He knows what causes me to fear, to rejoice, to dance, and to weep. As we read on in that same Psalm..."If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." In other words, there isn't a place where I can hide from God. There isn't any emotional wall I could build that he couldn't penetrate. There is no situation where he is incapable to work. There is no condition of my heart where he will remove himself.

I don't often "live there," understanding God's love for me because I view his love through a lens of human perspective and experience. My parents loved me, yet their love wasn't perfect. I felt I had wonderful parents, but they were human and humans make mistakes. My husband, for a long period of time disappointed me with his choices. Friends, though often supportive, have hurt my feelings. Even within the church, I didn't always feel loved. My view has been tainted. But God's love is pure. God's love casts out fear, doubt, shame, and pride. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in him. I John 4:16b

God loves you. He created you; fashioned you with his own hands. He's had plans for you since before the foundations of the earth were laid. He has given you the most precious gift - his son as a ransom for your sins. His love for you is an everlasting love - it doesn't depend upon how you act, your talents, the size of your jeans, the color of your eyes, or the amount of money you have in your checking account. There isn't anything you can do that will cause him to love you more. His love is perfect. When you consider his perfect love. When you allow your heart to trust that he does indeed, know you and what is most love towards you. When you chose to surrender to his love, you are more likely than ever, to have your tainted lens washed clean...you are more like to "live there."

Your Maker is Your Husband

While my husband struggled, I found hope in the realization that God would be my husband. While every ounce of my being cried out to him - when there were no words to serve justice to what I felt, my spirit groaned, lamented, and lay bare before the throne of God. What I could not express with human language, was already known by my Father.

Husband, I need your covering. I feel bare, exposed and vulnerable. I need you husband, to spread your wing over me and draw me close to your breast, where I can feel your heart beat and where I feel safe and secure. For you Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is his name-the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. Isaiah 54:4

Husband, I need your wisdom, I have been foolish. I have made mistakes that were careless and unwise. Cover me, as I repent and recognize the areas in my life where I need to tread more carefully. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. James 1:5

Husband, provide for our family. I want to do for myself in the way that is best for my family. In whatever way I am to care for our children and myself, direct it by your hand. Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns; and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:26

Husband, whisper my name. Be tender and pull me lovingly close. Allow me to pour out my heart...especially at night. Draw me in, cradle me with your love. Cause my sleep to be peaceful and refreshing to my body. Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer. Psalm 4:1

Husband, help me to raise our children. I am overwhelmed by this responsibility. I realize that they are your children too and you do have their best interest in mind. All your sons will be taught by the Lord, and great will be your children's peace. Isaiah 54:13

Sometimes, I cannot bear the thought of tomorrow. From time to time, husband, present me with diamonds of life, especially chosen for me, so that I am reminded of your deep love and commitment for me. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Psalm 25:6

Help me, husband, to see that I am beautiful in your eyes. It doesn't matter what flaws that I see in the mirror, or what has been spoken of me in the past - as long as you, oh beloved, think that I am lovely. The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your Lord. Psalm 45:11

Husband, help me to laugh. Place a spirit of joy upon my heart. Protect my heart from bitterness and self-pity. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ Jesus God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32

Heavenly Husband, I can be confident in knowing that you will never leave me. You will never walk away from me or our children. You'll never stop referring to me as your beloved. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Husband, hold me, hold me tightly and hold me forever. I belong to my lover and his desire is for me. Song of Solomon 7:10

Choosing Mercy

In the past, when my husband disappointed me, or hurt me or appeared to not have my best interest in mind. I naturally put up walls. I ceased to be vulnerable. I protected my heart by shutting him out; I turned cold towards him. I could almost pretend that he wasn't there. It was easier to fill the yearnings for his affection with other things - the kids, the house, sleep.
I couldn't understand how he didn't get that his actions and his words, (or lack of), could shatter me. How could he be so selfish? How could he hurt me this deeply? Didn't he care?

My questions were usually the only words I would speak to him when I was in shut-down mode.
I'm not so sure that he even heard the words I spoke. He knew my mouth was moving, but all he heard was, "You have failed." How critical I could be. How harsh were my accusations. I didn't want to take the time to consider his perspective. I could chose not to even care. It didn't matter to me the areas where I had failed him. I only knew I was hurt and I could not see beyond my own unmet needs.

It wasn't until I better understood God's mercy that I began to see just how difficult I had made it for my husband all those years. During the years that my husband struggled greatly with addictions I experienced vile and cruel shredding of one person to another. It was as if someone took a sledge hammer and attempted to shatter our hearts and lives into a million pieces. I felt I experienced such unjustness. I hoped that my husband would get what he deserved after all the pain he had caused me and our children. I scolded him and I wanted God to scold, punish, humiliate and even ground him like a child who needed discipline.

I certainly wasn't practicing mercy as I was shutting out my husband. And for a long time, I didn't care if I showed him mercy. Yet, while I was still a sinner, while I was ignorant of God's love for me, his mercy was running rampant in my life. I had not even been aware of God's mercy permeating through my days. Christ became what I am; a vile sinner, so that I could be free from sin - a sin that was no lighter than my husband's. Mercy began to stare me right in the face at the foot of the cross.

The foot of the cross is exactly where God reconciled our marriage. I had been given the most wondrous gift that I don't deserve. I had been given mercy by God - I do not get what I deserve. I deserve death, I deserve to perish as I cannot stand before a Holy God. Therefore, since I had been given mercy, shouldn't I show mercy. When I am willing to remain vulnerable - I am showing my husband mercy. When I am willing to forgive my husband, I am showing him mercy. When I am loving towards him, I show mercy.

Even now, in a marriage that has been laced with mercy and forgiveness there are times when I feel my husband has been unfair, said a harsh word, or isn't engaged the way I want him to be. I still have a choice to make - I can withdraw, put up walls and give him what he "deserves," or, I can chose to show mercy and give him what neither he or I deserve - beautiful, extended, grace.

A Virtuous Woman: Who Can Find?

I stared at the old black and white photo on the remembrance pamphlet of a middle-aged woman holding a bucket of eggs she had just gathered. She wore a sweater and an apron, no doubt, covering her everyday work dress. My great-aunt Helen was married to my father's uncle. Aside from the pastor officiating, her memorial service was made up of her favorite hymns and her grandchildren and great-grandchildren sharing their favorite memories, quotes and scriptures of their beloved grandmother. It was indeed a celebration of a well-lived life.

Her life wasn't well-lived in that it was a glorious, infamous, or even easy. Helen was born in 1913; she witnessed the greatest changes in technology, moral decline and qualify of life than any generation. She was simply a farm wife, raising her family in a quiet and gentle way no matter what chaos surrounded them. Her simple life was built around family, church and community.

She faced unimaginable heartache when she lost her son, Calvin in 1953, while he was a freshman in college. Attempting to join a fraternity, he was killed in a type of hazing accident. Her husband, Lowell, took his own life behind their farm house in 1972. Just three months later, a week-old grandson, Jeffrey, passed away. Less than two years later, while still reeling from tremendous loss, fresh grief swept over her when another son, Henry, also took his own life. The losses were staggering, yet, she quietly kept serving, kept smiling. There were no excuses from life or responsibility, no pity parties and if anyone had the right to complain, it was Helen. It wasn't that she forgot about the overwhelming grief that would awaken her each night, but she she chose to carry-on. She made a choice to spend time with her grandchildren and great-children, to cook meals for others; through her own waves of grief, she gathered opportunities to serve like she gathered the hen's eggs in her baskets.

A quiet woman of strength, standing there in the chicken lot, she could be any one's grandma. History speaks of powerful women who would bring down great powers, who seduced kings into the enemy's hands and whose bravery stood alongside the bravest of solders. Yet, there is no greater legacy than that of a woman like Helen. Though we don't read their names in history books or on plaques on buildings, we see remnants of their character live on as it's passed down from generation to generation. They are the hand that rocks the cradles, the hand that serves her family and those around them. In a time where the women who are celebrated are bold and brash; they are the Madonna's the Lady Gaga's and they are in our face, shouting and screaming, demanding that they be heard - a time where norm is to prostitute our ourselves, our daughters so that we fit-in, so we look like the world. Believe me, the Lady Gaga's are no ladies and the damage they cause to society are sorely felt. But, the grace and elegance of a life well lived, even in the midst of adversity, when when the pain wants to bury you - that exemplified character has the greatest echoing impact on our homes and society. Helen's pain and journey were not in vain. It is the epitome of a woman of dignity and virtue and the countless people who have been affected by her life.