Three Little Words

Looking back, to several years ago, right after my family was restored...

It was only three little words, but they caused so much swelling emotion deep within my soul. They’re words most of us have written, slapped down, often written sloppily and not given much thought when we've scribbled them onto some paper when leaving a message for our children.

This particular time, the document to be signed was a simple little yellow form where a message could be written and delivered along with a pizza during finals week at my son’s college. A parent organization uses this event as a fund raiser. The money goes to a good cause, and besides, I knew my son would love a pizza delivered to his room while he is up all night studying.

It isn’t as if I had never written those words before, I mean after-all, I have been a parent now for twenty years. I’ve written it on cards, gifts, notes and have spoken similar words again and again. But, this time, it was fresh; it was the most beautiful gift, a sort of miracle, to even be able to place those three words onto that small yellow form.

I’ve been married for twenty-two years. I married my high school sweetheart. Being one to keep a journal, I even have an entry dated on our wedding day. The end of the entry states “today, I promised to love, honor and cherish until the day I take my last breath, and that is just what I intend on doing, no matter what.” Now, had I known about the “no matter what,” beforehand, I would have cowered in the basement of the church, refusing to go through with the ceremony. God knows if he reveals too much about our future, we wouldn’t be able to stand it. It is for our own protection. When the time is right, we will have to fight our battles, when the time comes, we finally learn to lay down our sword and trust him to do the fighting.

It was wonderful, being married, we were blessed with three beautiful children, for years, it was bliss, but then, something ugly crept into our lives. It attempted to tear our family apart. It did it’s best to make us a statistic; a house divided; a broken home. After some time, many suggested throwing-in-the-towel. I have to admit, there were days when that towel looked pretty good, but, I knew, deep in my heart that I had made a vow, a promise and I was going to keep it, “no matter what.”

Time moved on, the monster had devoured so much, there was little sign of hope; only hope itself. Still, I believed deep within my being that there would be a miracle, that our family would be restored. It didn’t matter how difficult life became, I would wait, wait, for my beloved - even if it meant waiting a lifetime.

A lifetime, I thought, just might be the length of time I would wait. My children and I had been through so much... Indeed, we did become stronger, it did grow our faith, we did draw closer and we learned to be content with little. However, it takes its toll, this anguish of the heart. Just in the darkest hour, the morning sun broke through; our miracle happened.

In front of family and friends my husband and I celebrated God's redemption and restoration in our lives by renewing our vows. We all stood together a redeemed family, a testimony to the faithfulness of God. The tears of joy were only outnumbered by the smiles of adulation by those who were sharing in our celebration that day. People came that we hardly knew; they wanted to be a part of this day – in a time when so many choose the easy way out. The years the locusts had eaten away were long forgotten, the winter was over, spring had come at last. The years of hardship melted away like a forgotten dream and all things became new and wonderful.

Writing those words on my son’s pizza form meant more to me than being handed a million dollars. Those three words, are a powerful testimony of what can happen when you don’t lose hope, when you never give-up and when you experience the miracle God had waiting for you all along. “Love, Mom and Dad” signed in any small yellow box - those three simple words will never be taken for granted in this home.

Marriage - Divinely Designed by God

Marriage is divinely designed by God. Its origin is traced back to Genesis, chapter two. It wasn’t Adam who came up with the idea, it was a loving God. God had the perfect help-mate in mind for Adam and he designed Eve accordingly. Marriage was meant to glorify God. It was meant to be a picture that portrayed the relationship between the servant Christ, and his submissive bride, the church. But sin entered into the picture and to this day, every problem in marriage can be traced back to Genesis, chapter three. Man and his wife continue to struggle with what the flesh desires, what the eye desires and with the pride of life. Therefore, in our marriages, we don’t often look much like Christ and his bride, or live as if we are truly one with our spouse, or even have the desire to do so.

As I am to be one with my husband, Christ is one with God and the church is one with God. Tear one from the other and you have a severing of spirit. After a very heated argument, my husband got in his truck and pulled out of the driveway and as he did, I felt as if I was plunging into a black hole. I literally felt a severing of my heart. It is impossible to tear two beings that have been knitted together, without tearing parts of each other. It is messy and painful.

On the cross, as he bore our sins, Christ was separated, for a time, from his father. It was only temporary, but it caused the Lord to cry out “Why have you forsaken me?” It was the most brutal moment in history. Christ, who knew no sin, obediently allowed his flesh to be torn, his body ravaged and his spirit severed when he willingly paid the price for our sin. His father, our holy God, couldn’t look upon his son, for that moment, they were separated in spirit. It was messy beyond our imagination and it was painful beyond our comprehension.

It was also the most glorious time in history as we could now enter into the Holy presence of God and have a beautiful, intimate relationship with our Creator. Those who would believe in him would come to be known as the church and that church, collectively, will one day be a bride presented to her groom. A glorious feast as the body of believers is presented to Christ, will take place and Christ is anticipating that time with his bride. We too, should look with anticipation for that glorious day. But, even now, we have the gift of a loving relationship with Christ –our Redeemer.

Marriage was meant to glorify God, but often, it portrays so many other things: fear, control, pride, anger, resentment, etc. It is impossible to glorify God in your marriage when your marriage is reflecting negative and selfish words and actions. When couples decide to walk away from their vow, when their relationship is gripped with fear, manipulation, bitterness and an attitude of seeking happiness rather than holiness, what is left is messy and painful, it can be an excruciating heap of sorrow, like the black hole I experienced as my own marriage crumbled.

A struggling marriage should cause us great anguish. If not, perhaps we don’t fully understand the commitment we have made before God. It’s so much easier to separate, divorce, or give up, but the impact from doing so and the consequences will linger. We often miss such a tremendous blessing from God and an opportunity to be a testimony, regardless of the outcome, when there is an attempt to severe the union between man and wife – a union that wasn’t meant to be severed. Even in the midst of a marriage that appears completely hopeless, when vile sin abounds, or even, when one spouse has not been faithful – God’s desire is that the two remain one. Though marriage can be sadly viewed as two individuals living two individual lives – each doing their own thing, God sees it differently. He spends a great deal of his words to us in scripture paralleling the image of marriage and the image of Christ and his bride.

I understand the above truth, now, but it took years of purging fire to refine me. For years, I could find no beauty within the excruciating pain and disappointment I felt from my husband’s struggle with addictions. After a few, short years of marriage, I had both a messy and painful relationship with my husband. The sorrow that pursued my family was relentless and staggering. As I found our family surrounded by chaos, I questioned, where in the world could my beloved and I ever find a savior willing to swipe up the mess that we had made? How in the world could all the horrid stains of anger, hurt, bitterness and sin ever be erased?

When dreams die

There are so many things in my life that I thought I would have accomplished or experienced by now. There are dreams that have fallen to the ground and I can see God's hand in that and there are dreams that I've let go of...some out of necessity and my choosing and some because it's too painful to keep hanging on to them.

God creates us with a sense of hopefulness for...something better, something more fulfilling, more gratifying, more pleasurable and what we were designed to desire is him - this earth is not our home and the worldly dreams that we desire aren't meant to fulfill us. The older I get the more I realize that I will never be fully satisfied or fully content until I am finally home. By the gracious Spirit of God I can know contentment, but my selfish and human flesh will always scream for what I want, my desires, for the fulfillment of my dreams.

Dreams and passions aren't a bad thing. God created us to dream. But sometimes, God has a better dream for us. Sometimes, when we are holding with a clinched, white-fist, the dream that we will not let go of...God has something better to give us, if we would only open our hand.

I am learning to open my hand again, to offer up myself, trusting that my loving Father does indeed, have my best interest in mind. I'm scooping up some shard pieces of a couple of dreams that I had let fall to the ground and I'm placing them before the Father...willing to let him have them and willing to let him direct me.

A better question I've learned to ask is, "Will you take me, God, who you created me to be and allow me to flourish - whatever that may look like, for your glory?" I've learned it's OK to grieve loss of time and loss of desires. It's OK to look around and realize that you are standing in a massive junk yard of broken promises, broken hearts, broken lives and broken dreams...it's OK to validate that loss and give all the broken-ness to God.

When your dreams die or when you hold a clenched fist, terrified to let go...don't be afraid to open your hand and allow God to place something new in your palm. His heart is for you and he desires to accomplish a work in you. That may mean something has to die, aside from your agenda and your will, you need to surrender...even your dreams.

God created you to hope. When I was waiting for my beloved husband all those years, alone with our kids, attempting to eek out a living, filled with sorrow for my wayward husband...the only hope that I had was Christ. The only hope that ever filled my heart was the hope that God does love me and that he would see me through. I still have those things in my life that are hard and my hope comes from the same resource, and God is faithful to hold me up.There were dreams that have died along the way and some were painful. I grieve all those lost years without my husband in our life. I grieve lost opportunities or words spoken.

God created you to hope, for something more fulfilling, more desirable, more fulfilling - what he created you to hope for was him.

A Friend Loves at all Times

Each of us, Tracy and I, held onto our friend, Sherrie’s hands. Her hands were bruised and taped from the tubes. They were pale, they were weak, and they gave us great comfort. We had come to see our friend for one last time. The hospital room was quiet. The lights were low. Just two weeks earlier, Sherrie had learned that she had cancer, now it was a matter of days before she would leave this earth.

We came to remind her of how much God loved her and how he would be faithful to the family she was leaving behind; a devoted husband of twenty-five years, a twenty-one year old son and a seventeen-year-old daughter. We wanted her to look forward to entering into the presence of God and we wanted to assure her that we would watch over her children, unconditionally, loving them.

Tracy’s tender, compassionate heart was never more evident. She looked at Sherrie, Sherrie looked at her. Their hands held on to each other and they talked. They talked about good times together and memories. They made light of their kids and situations they couldn’t control and they shared, so tenderly, a moment in time together. Then after that chatter, the talking stopped and two friends just looked at each other and smiled. For a few minutes no one said anything, they just stared at one another. Sherrie looked up at Tracy and Tracy through flowing tears locked her sweet glaze back. A thousand words were said in that silence. A thousand I love you’s, thank-you’s and I’m here for you, were whispered in the quiet. It was a thundering, powerful moment in that silence.

Sherrie went to be with the Lord just three days later. That sweet moment will be always be mine and Tracy’s favorite memory of our friend. How thankful we are that we took the time to sit on her bed, though it was so difficult to say goodbye it felt as if we had a corner of heaven folding down to meet us. In those moments of silence…when a thousand words were spoken, I learned a glorious lesson… often in the silence, God speaks to us the loudest.

Do You See Me, God?

I know that you are a God who cannot be measured nor fully understood. I watch in awe as the sun sets and as the stars you cast emerge from the darkened sky. I hear the thunder as it shakes the ground. I see the magnificent evidence of your power all around me. I know that you gave me the most perfect, most beautiful gift by tearing your own flesh for my sake. I know that you are beginning and end and I inherit your kingdom because of your grace.

I know you knew of me before the foundations of the earth. I know that you delight in hearing my voice, my outstretched arms reaching, searching for you. I know that you are my Creator, and it is only because you allow it, that my lungs take in life-breath and my heart pumps my life blood.

But, God, do you see me? Do you care that I feel forgotten, shelved even by man? I know you love me, but do you care about me, today? As days melt into weeks, do you watch as I grow even more unsure of your love; anyone’s love? Do you see, as I put up walls and shut down thoughts, avoiding relationships, afraid they will only lead to more disappointment? Though I’ve chosen to shut them out of my mind, can you still see my dreams – the ones I once dared to dream?

Can you still see those things that in my heart have gone for so long, unmet? Do I dare to believe again; risking that dreadful door of disappointment being swung wide open? Do I bolt and lock the door, pretend it was never there, avoid it all costs for fear of what might never be on the other side – the fulfillment of those dreams, those desires?

Where has my passion gone? Where life was once over-flowing, is now a parched and barren wasteland. The thirst-quenching tributaries to my soul appear to have dried up. How is it that I feel so far from the purpose for which I was created? Where have I gone, where have I wandered to? Do you see me, Lord? Do you see me as I struggle? Do you see me as I am afraid to imagine, afraid to think? Do you see my faint heart?

I know that you are the Author of Life, but do you see me, Lord?

Sometimes, we find that we doubt, that our heart grows weary and we question if God loves us, or even sees us.

Indeed, he does! Though our faith may weaken...his love does not...

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! Isaiah 49:15

God will never forsake you nor leave you beloved. His love for you is everlasting. Press into him, lean closer to him. Indeed he sees your sorrow, your pain, your suffering, your fears...his eyes never, ever leave you.

The unfading beauty...

...The unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God's sight I Peter 3:4

My beauty is certainly fading. I've found wrinkles and sagging in places I didn't know could wrinkle and sag. I used to be concerned about aging and looking older...then I realized that no one cared and that no one was really looking anyway. I also realized that it is true - the most beautiful people are those whose beauty radiates from the inside out.

Though my body is feeling the certain laws of gravity I have more content and more peace in my heart than at any other time in my life. It isn't from lack of trials, struggles or concerns, but rather, from a confidence that God is in control. I've never had the control I thought that I did. None of us do.

I long to desire what God values. If a gentle and quiet spirit is of great worth in God's sight, then I want to be about that. But what does it look like, in my life, to have a gentle and quiet spirit? It certainly doesn't mean allowing others to walk on me, to never speak, to never have an opinion, or to never use the brain and gifts that God gave me. I believe that it does mean that I should look to God, who really is in control. It does mean that I should HONOR and RESPECT my husband and my children (not only when they "deserve" it). It does mean that I should put others before myself. It does mean that I should spend more time listening than talking. It does mean that I should desire the heart of God - who is a God of compassion. It does mean that I no longer fear that I won't be heard or seen or understood - but rather, I am content, believing that God, indeed, sees me and has my best interest in mind - ALWAYS!

Oh, that God would give me a gentle and quiet spirit - that is his desire, if only I would ask that of him.

What does it look like today, for you, to have a gentle and quiet spirit - one that is of great worth in God's eyes?

Anther wedding; another daughter leaving the nest

In just five weeks, our youngest daughter, Jena will be married. In three weeks, she moves into the apartment that she will eventually share with her new husband. She's our third to be married. She's a hard-working and successful young woman who desires to have the Lord in the center of her marriage. She's twenty years old and certainly growing up...still, I can still see her..

as you stand there, my little Jena Michelle, all sweet with your light brown curls swirled around your precious baby face, your happy disposition such a delight to our family. I see you there as you toddle behind your older brother and sister - willing to try anything they do. I see your dimpled baby hands and your little dimple on your cheek when you grin.

I see you there, sweet daughter as you dance to the theme song of Beauty and the Beast, dressed up in a wedding gown, pretending to dance with your prince. I see you twirling and spinning, enjoying the royal, pretend ball that is being held in the living room with your sister, twirling and dancing right along with you.

I see you there, beloved daughter of the King as you grow, learn, fall in love and have your heart broken. I see you there as you pass through one high school class after another attempting to get through high school as quickly as you can. I see you there getting your license and to my horror, driving off for the first time on your own. I see you there as you tell me and your dad about a wonderful guy you met at church and how he is a pilot and a soldier and how kind he is.

I see you there working hard through college and getting your dream job. I see you there standing before the mirror trying on yet another wedding gown - shouldn't you be in the living room dancing and twirling with your sister? Shouldn't you still have a kool-aid stained smile? Shouldn't you still be riding your bike around the yard?

I will see you there, my delightful, beautiful daughter, standing before your groom. I will see you as you take your dad's arm for the last time that he will be the authority over you. I will see you as you pledge your heart to your husband, taking a vow to love and honor. I will see you as you, for the first time will be announced as a "Mrs." I will see you, my beloved child as you drive away with your husband and begin life with him.

I will always be able to see you, my Jena Michelle, as a most precious gift. How blessed I have been to have been entrusted with you for almost twenty-one years. I pray that I can always "see" you happily and innocently twirling and dancing.

I see you there, daughter and my heart sings with delight.

The Point of it All

Our children – adopted or biological, are not our own. They are entrusted to us, by God, that we might steer them towards a relationship with Christ. Though we call them "sons and daughters," in reality they belong to their Creator God.

For awhile, God allows us to take them as our own. He allows us to hold them, comfort them and care for them. He allows us to wipe away their tears, sing them to sleep, laugh with them and help them learn from life's hard lessons and choices. We are commanded in His Word to teach them, discipline them and love them. And though we "rescue" and "restore" the orphan – the greatest gift we can ever give them is Christ.

Yes. We are called to adopt. Yes. We are called to care for the orphans and the widows. Yes. We are called to speak up for the oppressed. But our greatest goal, the bottom line of it all is the eternal perspective. We are to lead our children to Christ.

No matter if God has chosen to bless you with biological children or children by his supernatural way of adoption – forefront in our minds should always be the child's salvation. On those days, when you are exhausted and you wonder if its worth all the stress and trouble, when your child seems to relentlessly disobey or struggle – remember…the goal isn't happiness, but rather, holiness.

One year ago, our son ran towards us as we pulled up to his orphanage. We had come to begin the process of adoption. We had come to redeem him. We had come to rescue him. He was afraid, alone, hungry and dirty. This past week, on Good Friday, a year ago from that same day when our son ran towards us yelling, "Momma, Poppa" he ran towards His Creator. His God. Our son, asked Jesus into his heart. He had been lonely, hungry for righteousness and dirty with sin. After he prayed, when asked who God was to him, he replied, "He's my Dad!"

In-between those days – one year apart, I had cried many tears of frustration and desperation. Our son's pain and his behavior at times, were so intense, that I could lose sight of the point of it all. Yes. We had been entrusted with a special little boy. Yes, we would glean much joy from raising him. Yes, t times, it will be extremely difficult. But it isn't only about our happiness – it is about holiness. It is about pointing our son to Christ. It's about running to our Savior, shouting, "Abba, Daddy!" It's about leaving behind what we knew – the sorrow of the world – the pain of being an orphan and entering into an inheritance with our God and King.

No longer lonely, no longer hungry, no longer filthy with sin…our son is redeemed. He is restored. His sins are no more – they have been paid for by the blood of the Lamb. God met him running from the orphanage that is the world and welcomed him into his family of adopted sons and daughters.

That is the point of rescuing and restoring the orphan – that Christ might rescue and restore!

Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So that you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir. Galations 4:6-7

Joy