Three Little Words

Looking back, to several years ago, right after my family was restored...

It was only three little words, but they caused so much swelling emotion deep within my soul. They’re words most of us have written, slapped down, often written sloppily and not given much thought when we've scribbled them onto some paper when leaving a message for our children.

This particular time, the document to be signed was a simple little yellow form where a message could be written and delivered along with a pizza during finals week at my son’s college. A parent organization uses this event as a fund raiser. The money goes to a good cause, and besides, I knew my son would love a pizza delivered to his room while he is up all night studying.

It isn’t as if I had never written those words before, I mean after-all, I have been a parent now for twenty years. I’ve written it on cards, gifts, notes and have spoken similar words again and again. But, this time, it was fresh; it was the most beautiful gift, a sort of miracle, to even be able to place those three words onto that small yellow form.

I’ve been married for twenty-two years. I married my high school sweetheart. Being one to keep a journal, I even have an entry dated on our wedding day. The end of the entry states “today, I promised to love, honor and cherish until the day I take my last breath, and that is just what I intend on doing, no matter what.” Now, had I known about the “no matter what,” beforehand, I would have cowered in the basement of the church, refusing to go through with the ceremony. God knows if he reveals too much about our future, we wouldn’t be able to stand it. It is for our own protection. When the time is right, we will have to fight our battles, when the time comes, we finally learn to lay down our sword and trust him to do the fighting.

It was wonderful, being married, we were blessed with three beautiful children, for years, it was bliss, but then, something ugly crept into our lives. It attempted to tear our family apart. It did it’s best to make us a statistic; a house divided; a broken home. After some time, many suggested throwing-in-the-towel. I have to admit, there were days when that towel looked pretty good, but, I knew, deep in my heart that I had made a vow, a promise and I was going to keep it, “no matter what.”

Time moved on, the monster had devoured so much, there was little sign of hope; only hope itself. Still, I believed deep within my being that there would be a miracle, that our family would be restored. It didn’t matter how difficult life became, I would wait, wait, for my beloved - even if it meant waiting a lifetime.

A lifetime, I thought, just might be the length of time I would wait. My children and I had been through so much... Indeed, we did become stronger, it did grow our faith, we did draw closer and we learned to be content with little. However, it takes its toll, this anguish of the heart. Just in the darkest hour, the morning sun broke through; our miracle happened.

In front of family and friends my husband and I celebrated God's redemption and restoration in our lives by renewing our vows. We all stood together a redeemed family, a testimony to the faithfulness of God. The tears of joy were only outnumbered by the smiles of adulation by those who were sharing in our celebration that day. People came that we hardly knew; they wanted to be a part of this day – in a time when so many choose the easy way out. The years the locusts had eaten away were long forgotten, the winter was over, spring had come at last. The years of hardship melted away like a forgotten dream and all things became new and wonderful.

Writing those words on my son’s pizza form meant more to me than being handed a million dollars. Those three words, are a powerful testimony of what can happen when you don’t lose hope, when you never give-up and when you experience the miracle God had waiting for you all along. “Love, Mom and Dad” signed in any small yellow box - those three simple words will never be taken for granted in this home.

Marriage - Divinely Designed by God

Marriage is divinely designed by God. Its origin is traced back to Genesis, chapter two. It wasn’t Adam who came up with the idea, it was a loving God. God had the perfect help-mate in mind for Adam and he designed Eve accordingly. Marriage was meant to glorify God. It was meant to be a picture that portrayed the relationship between the servant Christ, and his submissive bride, the church. But sin entered into the picture and to this day, every problem in marriage can be traced back to Genesis, chapter three. Man and his wife continue to struggle with what the flesh desires, what the eye desires and with the pride of life. Therefore, in our marriages, we don’t often look much like Christ and his bride, or live as if we are truly one with our spouse, or even have the desire to do so.

As I am to be one with my husband, Christ is one with God and the church is one with God. Tear one from the other and you have a severing of spirit. After a very heated argument, my husband got in his truck and pulled out of the driveway and as he did, I felt as if I was plunging into a black hole. I literally felt a severing of my heart. It is impossible to tear two beings that have been knitted together, without tearing parts of each other. It is messy and painful.

On the cross, as he bore our sins, Christ was separated, for a time, from his father. It was only temporary, but it caused the Lord to cry out “Why have you forsaken me?” It was the most brutal moment in history. Christ, who knew no sin, obediently allowed his flesh to be torn, his body ravaged and his spirit severed when he willingly paid the price for our sin. His father, our holy God, couldn’t look upon his son, for that moment, they were separated in spirit. It was messy beyond our imagination and it was painful beyond our comprehension.

It was also the most glorious time in history as we could now enter into the Holy presence of God and have a beautiful, intimate relationship with our Creator. Those who would believe in him would come to be known as the church and that church, collectively, will one day be a bride presented to her groom. A glorious feast as the body of believers is presented to Christ, will take place and Christ is anticipating that time with his bride. We too, should look with anticipation for that glorious day. But, even now, we have the gift of a loving relationship with Christ –our Redeemer.

Marriage was meant to glorify God, but often, it portrays so many other things: fear, control, pride, anger, resentment, etc. It is impossible to glorify God in your marriage when your marriage is reflecting negative and selfish words and actions. When couples decide to walk away from their vow, when their relationship is gripped with fear, manipulation, bitterness and an attitude of seeking happiness rather than holiness, what is left is messy and painful, it can be an excruciating heap of sorrow, like the black hole I experienced as my own marriage crumbled.

A struggling marriage should cause us great anguish. If not, perhaps we don’t fully understand the commitment we have made before God. It’s so much easier to separate, divorce, or give up, but the impact from doing so and the consequences will linger. We often miss such a tremendous blessing from God and an opportunity to be a testimony, regardless of the outcome, when there is an attempt to severe the union between man and wife – a union that wasn’t meant to be severed. Even in the midst of a marriage that appears completely hopeless, when vile sin abounds, or even, when one spouse has not been faithful – God’s desire is that the two remain one. Though marriage can be sadly viewed as two individuals living two individual lives – each doing their own thing, God sees it differently. He spends a great deal of his words to us in scripture paralleling the image of marriage and the image of Christ and his bride.

I understand the above truth, now, but it took years of purging fire to refine me. For years, I could find no beauty within the excruciating pain and disappointment I felt from my husband’s struggle with addictions. After a few, short years of marriage, I had both a messy and painful relationship with my husband. The sorrow that pursued my family was relentless and staggering. As I found our family surrounded by chaos, I questioned, where in the world could my beloved and I ever find a savior willing to swipe up the mess that we had made? How in the world could all the horrid stains of anger, hurt, bitterness and sin ever be erased?

When dreams die

There are so many things in my life that I thought I would have accomplished or experienced by now. There are dreams that have fallen to the ground and I can see God's hand in that and there are dreams that I've let go of...some out of necessity and my choosing and some because it's too painful to keep hanging on to them.

God creates us with a sense of hopefulness for...something better, something more fulfilling, more gratifying, more pleasurable and what we were designed to desire is him - this earth is not our home and the worldly dreams that we desire aren't meant to fulfill us. The older I get the more I realize that I will never be fully satisfied or fully content until I am finally home. By the gracious Spirit of God I can know contentment, but my selfish and human flesh will always scream for what I want, my desires, for the fulfillment of my dreams.

Dreams and passions aren't a bad thing. God created us to dream. But sometimes, God has a better dream for us. Sometimes, when we are holding with a clinched, white-fist, the dream that we will not let go of...God has something better to give us, if we would only open our hand.

I am learning to open my hand again, to offer up myself, trusting that my loving Father does indeed, have my best interest in mind. I'm scooping up some shard pieces of a couple of dreams that I had let fall to the ground and I'm placing them before the Father...willing to let him have them and willing to let him direct me.

A better question I've learned to ask is, "Will you take me, God, who you created me to be and allow me to flourish - whatever that may look like, for your glory?" I've learned it's OK to grieve loss of time and loss of desires. It's OK to look around and realize that you are standing in a massive junk yard of broken promises, broken hearts, broken lives and broken dreams...it's OK to validate that loss and give all the broken-ness to God.

When your dreams die or when you hold a clenched fist, terrified to let go...don't be afraid to open your hand and allow God to place something new in your palm. His heart is for you and he desires to accomplish a work in you. That may mean something has to die, aside from your agenda and your will, you need to surrender...even your dreams.

God created you to hope. When I was waiting for my beloved husband all those years, alone with our kids, attempting to eek out a living, filled with sorrow for my wayward husband...the only hope that I had was Christ. The only hope that ever filled my heart was the hope that God does love me and that he would see me through. I still have those things in my life that are hard and my hope comes from the same resource, and God is faithful to hold me up.There were dreams that have died along the way and some were painful. I grieve all those lost years without my husband in our life. I grieve lost opportunities or words spoken.

God created you to hope, for something more fulfilling, more desirable, more fulfilling - what he created you to hope for was him.