Today's The Day

Today's the day that I become a grandma. I don't feel like a grandma. I'm not sure what a grandma is supposed to feel like, except for over-the-moon-excited. I remember thinking..."Some day, when I'm really old and I'm a grandma..." but, I don't feel really old. I feel pretty darn good.

Today I get to smell the sweet breath of a new born. Today, I get to experience the tiny grasp of his hand curled around my little finger. Today I get to see one of the most delectable sights on the earth...baby feet. I get to look into the face of a little person who will no doubt, in some way remind me of his momma.

I get to experience a miracle today. A glorious, blessed miracle.
Birth....life....nothing short of a beautiful gift, a miracle from God.

Please, pray for my Kristen, her husband, Brandon and little Ezra - for safe delivery, healthy baby and that grandma will be able to share him.

Planting Seeds

The little green heads on our wheat are looking good. In just a few short weeks, we'll be harvesting. If God keeps hail and storm winds away, we are hopeful for a bountiful crop. The wheat was sown last winter. We've walked out to the field, prayed for it and enjoyed seeing it come up. We didn't, however, camp out next to the wheat. We didn't tell it how much it really needs to grow for us, we didn't fret over it, we didn't lecture or nag the stalks about the coming harvest or the fact that if they didn't produce then there wouldn't be a harvest. We didn't dig around in the dirt every other day, hoping to see the tiny seeds sprout, we didn't in any way try to help the seeds along. We did put nitrogen down in February, that's about it. We didn't attempt to control the wheat's environment - cause we obviously, couldn't.

To sum it up....we planted, we fertilized, we left it alone.

That's a pretty good philosophy regarding those you have been praying salvation for.

You can plant the seed, you can show them the love of Christ, show them you care. You can pray. You can pray that others plant seeds, or perhaps put down a little fertilizer. That's about it.

Once we've sown the winter wheat, growing it isn't our job.

Once you've sown Gospel seeds into another, growing them isn't your job.

The pressure is off of us as we watch the wheat grow and develop wheat heads...we can't control the rain, the lack of rain, the wind, hail, enough sun...or much of anything else. We have to trust God in His perfect design of creation and that He will allow the right elements so that we'll have a good crop, or a crop at all.

The pressure is off you as you wait and pray for that person. Maybe you see absolutely no sign of repentance, growth, or even interest...so you just keep waiting and praying. Trust God's perfect design of that person as He causes the heart to become plowed-up fertile soil ready to receive the Gospel.

You have enough to do without taking on jobs that you weren't meant to take. It's not your job to convict although you might be really good at criticizing and condemning. So take a deep breath, keep praying, hoping and believing....and let the Holy Spirit do it's job.

Happy Anniversary

 There have been days I couldn't get enough of you - I wanted to be with you, talk with you, spend every moment with you. And there have been days, when you got on my last nerve...for no reason.

We've shared laughter, tears, harsh words, the wonder of life and the mundane moments of the every day. We've experienced weak bank accounts, fevers in the middle of the night, cars that break down, dogs that die, kids that puke on brand-new carpet, countless renovations to the house, the excitement of birth, the stinging sorrow of death and six months alone while the older kids were in college.

We have forged through surgeries, wrinkles, the coming of gray hair, the ache of bodies getting older and the feeling inside that still seems like we are teenagers when you hold me. We look in the mirror and often  feel what our bodies are telling us - we are getting older, but in our hearts it seems we are more youthful than ever.

We've argued, been frustrated, you've slept on the couch and I cried myself to sleep. We've come to each others rescue, been each others biggest fan and thought we were blessed beyond belief.

We really get what it means when we said....."for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health...til death do us part," cause those words were tested over and over again.

We've lived apart, while our hearts broke in a million pieces. But those vows weren't going to be broken. God had a plan and if we were only willing to give to Him, our battered and bruised vows...He was going to be faithful to restore and redeem. Redeem He did and we celebrated with another wedding while everyone who attended bawled their eyes out!

 
We've raised three kids, then just about the time we could take a breath - we adopted! We've dreamed about the day when we would be grandparents and in just a few short days - we will be!  I cannot imagine life without you. I cannot imagine lying in bed each night without you there, even if you do snore sometimes. I cannot imagine my floors keeping clean because you always seem to track in after I mop. I cannot imagine another man that I would have rather been married to. You have been my best friend, lover, encourager, cheerleader, secret-keeper, safe place of refuge and my beautiful man. You've challenged me, made me write down transactions in the check books, cleaned up my messes and fixed more things than any one man should have to fix in a life time. I am so grateful for the blessing of being your wife and helpmate!

Happy Anniversary Beloved - Here's to 27 years and God willing - more to come!

I Will Quiet Your Soul

To catch a picture of Luke sitting, chillin,' is rare. To catch Luke sitting still, is almost unheard of. But his sister-in-law, Micala, caught this moment on camera and I love it. Luke loves to fish and he'll wait for a long time for that little red and white bobber to go under the water, indicating something has taken his bait. If his belly is full, the weather is good, his fishing line is in the water and his daddy is near...all is good. Especially if mom is close by too. However, when the fish is reeled in, after the photo ops are done, he'll hand you the pole. Luke doesn't remove fish from the hook, he only entices them on.  

Most of Luke's busyness comes from attempts at being a moving target. If you keep dodging, you most likely won't feel the blow of a hand, a fist, or cruel words. His primal survival skills aren't quite on high alert like they used to be, but he's still cautious. You don't move very quickly from being the only one in the world to protect yourself to truly believing others will protect you. It takes time to trust that all is well, even when your dad is next to you. Luke didn't have the benefit to know what it was like to have a dad to hold him, care and provide for him until he was nine years old. That's eight long years of having to defend self!

Most of my busyness comes from attempts at being a moving mind....if I'm busy, I won't have to think, I won't have to deal with and I won't have to face myself. While I crave quiet and alone time, I can still occupy my mind and often that occupation isn't on God. You'd think after knowing my Heavenly Father for  forty years, I'd have this trust and how He will quiet my soul thing down pat. I guess it takes time to trust that all is well, even when your dad is next to you.

Luke's dad is very patient with him. He understands that he sometimes needs his space and that he's still a work in progress. My Heavenly Father understands me too and he has displayed immeasurable endurance with me over the years. I cannot understand God's long-suffering with me...I cannot fully comprehend His perfect love either. It is with a human mind and heart that I attempt to understand. God doesn't call me to have it all figured out though - all he calls me to is stillness, to stop moving, stop busying myself...be still and know Him.

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD 

Psalm 46:10

FEAR

Obedience/Fear

The majority of time in my early years of marriage, I reacted rather than responding, My behavior, often cold and accusatory was rooted in fear.  As I began to align my life with God’s, I recognized how much fear had controlled my actions.  As I was nagging my husband about how he needed to change and lead his family, I was fearful that my circumstance might not ever change. 

A fearful heart has great difficulty being an obedient heart.  God’s word speaks to His children to remain in obedience. In I Peter 3:6 he specifically instructs women to be like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and to not give way to fear.

I had a big issue with fear and I think we women, generally do.  We don’t always recognize or admit it, and it may come masked in words such as “I feel trapped”,  “I don’t feel like things will ever change”, or “I’ll never see that desire fulfilled," or, "I'll never be happy."  When we fear what we cannot control, we attempt to control what we think that we can. I spent a lot of time trying to control my husband and my environment.  Because I couldn't change my husband or his actions, I was going to do all that I could in an attempt to keep anything else from hurting me, or causing more chaos.

 

When I slammed the cabinet doors, huffed and puffed around the house, I made it known that I was disappointed, that I was frustrated.  If he’d ask me what was wrong, I’d give him a very cold, “Nothing!”  I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of having something tangible to respond to, mostly because I didn’t really want to tell him that I was afraid, I was worn-down, I was bitter.  It was much easier keeping the accusatory finger pointed at him.  I had been crippled by fear; paralyzed and ineffective and that is just what the enemy wanted from me.It sounded so much better for me to say that my “desire” was for my husband to treat us with warmth, stop drinking, and start leading instead of realizing that I “demanded” those things of him.  When I didn’t get my way, I resorted to reacting, being cold towards him and controlling him.  My desire moved along seamlessly to sinfully demanding….also just what the enemy would want.

In Scripture, we read that Sarah (wife of Abraham) had longing and desires just as we do. Sarah’s empty arms and heart ached for a child.  All those years as she hoped and waited for a child only to hope and wait again. Eventually, her time for child bearing came to an end.  I am sure there were times she believed God had forgotten her. yet, In the New Testament - long after her story in the Old Testament,  we find her name as a direct example to obedience. We women can identify with her. Her want became a desire and then it spun into a full-fledged must-have and that’s when she took action. She gave her maidservant (Hagar) to her husband so that he might sleep with her in hopes that Hagar would conceive the child that Sarah couldn't.  When her (Sarah's) plan (not God's plan), worked, we see that she again, is miserable and mistreats Hagar. How many times have we manipulated a situation only to be discontented when it ends in a disaster?  If we would only learn to wait upon the Lord and his best for us!  If only we would trust God to speak to our husbands.  If only we would trust God even if our husbands aren't saved.

When Sarah overhears the Lord tell her husband, Abraham, that she would indeed have a baby she seems to find it unbelievable and laughs aloud at the thought of delivering at her age!  Once again, Sarah gives way to fear and even lies about laughing!   How many times have we been too prideful to admit our failing doubt?  How glorious it would be within the body of Christ, if we were real with one another regarding our struggles.  I believe there would be a multitude of struggling believers that would come out of hiding if we weren’t so concerned with appearances.

All the misgivings of Sarah, yet, we are told in I Peter that we are her (Sarah’s) daughters if we do what is right and do not give way to fear!  So, there must be hope for us!  Sarah’s husband, Abraham, twice asked her to lie, telling those he feared that she was his sister, not wife. That would be a difficult thing to do, yet she was obedient, and God protected her.

Sarah had a schedule, her body had a deadline, but God had a plan! We women are great at being time managers, so much so, that when things are not running according to our fine-tuned schedule, we have a tendency to become frustrated and moody.  This includes the heavenly scheduled-out events of life that are directed by our Father’s hand.  God’s timing is not our own.  God’s view is not our own.  If only we would allow God to be our manager and concern ourselves with being more “manageable, “how much more effective would we be for the Kingdom of God?  So what if the kitchen floor doesn’t get swept for awhile.  So what if our husband doesn’t do exactly what we say and when and how.  It doesn’t mean he isn’t going to act on our request; we are often just too impatient to wait.  

We fear that God will not allow us to do what it is we want to do and when we want to do it.  We fear that life is passing by and the opportunities we long for will be missed.  This shows that we haven’t yielded to God.  We keep our trust at a distance.  We remain unconvinced regarding God’s best for us and God’s timing for all areas of our lives, especially those areas that mean the most to us.  If only we understood how God desires us to rest, trust and wait upon him.

When Sarah’s arms are finally filled after the birth of Isaac she rejoices with these words, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears this will laugh with me”.  This time, Sarah is laughing out of pure joy, and peace.  There is no fear in this laugh. She also replies that she bore Abraham a child in his old age. We know that she is joyous beyond compare to finally hold a baby in her arms yet, she speaks of the delight she has brought to her man. We can identify with the earlier dealings of Sarah, but how beautiful if we can identify with her new character.  A heart that is empty of fear and full of trust and hope.

When our heart is aligned or has the desire to be in alignment with God’s we can understand what the writer meant when he wrote about the eagle soaring on great heights.  We don’t know the heights unless we have seen the depth of the pit!   We, like Sarah do not have to give way to fear, but can learn to yield to God with total peace even in the midst of broken dreams.  God is not only the author of dreams and good desires, but is the facilitator that causes them to come to fruition and we should never give up on seeing them become reality.

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husband’s so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.  Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.  Instead, it should be that of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.  For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.  They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master.  You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.  I Peter 3:1-6

I See You There

I see you there, my sweet, little pink bundle of joy..all rosy, with chubby little thighs and that newborn scent. I see you as you successfully wrap your daddy's heart around your little finger. I see you there all squashed-up in your big brother Jordan's arms...him smooching your precious cheek, wanting you to go play even though you can't even crawl. I see you there, in my arms, a little girl, my daughter. What fun I'll have dressing you up. How blessed I feel as I look into your precious face.

I see you there all dressed up coming to see your new born sister, you were just a baby, yourself, but you loved her and wanted to hold her all of the time. I see you as try to get her off my lap, clamoring for my attention. I see you as you suddenly look so much bigger and older compared to your baby sister. Your blue little blankie rarely leaves your side and if we do happen to misplace it...we turn the house upside down looking for it, especially at nap time. I feel you next to me as we snuggle together on the couch reading your favorite book over and over again.

I see you there with your long, golden curls and your bright blue eyes, standing on the front step, a Little Mermaid backpack on your shoulders. Your first day of kindergarten. You are so ready to go to school. You so much want to learn and be like your older brother. How will my little girl get along those few hours without me?

 I see you there, playing dress-up with your little sister, Jena, bossing her around, always making her be the bridesmaid while you are always the bride. I hear you as you play, your little girl voice trailing off to pretend-land as you constantly dream up something with your siblings. I see you there, as the dolls come out less, the tea-parties stop and you spend more time with your art, music and your friends. I pack away the "little girl" toys, your clothes consist of things you pick out...you care about what you look like now.

 I see you there, my daughter, behind the wheel of a car and I am the most terrified that I've ever been as a mother. I cannot stand the thought of you on the roads, being that independent. Sixteen. Shouldn't you still be in a car seat? Utterances of relief and gratitude leave my lips every time you safely pull the car back into the driveway.

I see you there, and you are stunning. Your black and white prom dress fits you so perfect. You are graceful and elegant...no more pretend dress-up, this is for real. I see you as you drive away with your date and friends. I see you, after you come home, sitting on the edge of my bed, chattering away about your glamorous night.

 I burst with pride as you receive your high school diploma from your father. Educated at home since you were in fourth grade allowed such wonderful moments with you. And there were those not-so-pleasant moments. We butted-heads more than once and there were days, I thought you were going to put me in an early grave...but, we made it and here you are, delivering your senior speech. I'm touched by your words.

I am overcome as I see you there at the piano, playing, singing, worshiping your heart out. Oh, how gifted the Lord made you with creativity and that voice! You have blessed so many with your ability to play the piano and bring glory to his name with your singing. So often, I find myself worshiping right along with you...sometimes sitting next to you, sometimes, in the next room on my knees.

I watch you board that plane. Eighteen is so young to leave home on your own. I pray as I  hand my baby over to missionary work for a few months in another country. Your beloved, Mexico awaits you.

I move you in and out of college dorms and each time, and wonder how in the world you manage to keep your room so tidy when at home you can't seem to even make your bed. It is strange to have you gone, your room is quiet, too quiet. I knew this day would come, you are meant to leave, to find your own way. You are meant to fulfill what God had in mind for you...still, it seems like you should be playing on the floor, American Girl doll clothes spread out all over the place, pretending with your sister.

I see you there, standing with this guy you've met. He can't hardly breathe for fear of making a wrong move in front of us. We are glad he's so cautious. I see you there, as we hide behind a concrete wall, along the downtown canal on the moon-filled night. A guitar is playing, someone is singing your favorite song...and Brandon's knee hits the ground, a ring comes out and a life-changing question is asked. I realize that the piano will no longer sing to me, daily. I will miss your music filling our home. I will miss your voice. We pack up your room. Your things are getting put away in your new home - you are preparing to leave for good. One last night before your wedding. One last time I tuck you in. One last time your daddy kisses his little girl good night before he hands her over to someone else.

I see you there, my precious little girl all dressed up as a bride...only this time, you are the bride for real and Jena is beside you...you girls have practiced this moment for years. I watch as your daddy walks into to see his daughter - all ready for the ceremony. Tears melt down his face. I see you, walking down the aisle on his arm, beaming, eyes on your groom. I see you as you speak a vow to a man you have committed your heart to and my heart is overflowing.

I see as you and your husband get into that car on the cold December night, I'm saying good-bye to my little girl as she leaves for her honey-moon. How quickly times has passed. Wasn't it just yesterday that I thought would never get a full night's sleep because of midnight feedings? Didn't you just bring me a bunch of dandelions to the front door? Wasn't it just a moment ago when I watched you take your first step?

I see you there, my blooming daughter as you anticipate life! You rub your belly and talk to little Ezra, you are over the moon with excitement and think you'll burst if you don't get to hold him in your arms soon.
I see you there, my precious gift from God...about ready to receive the most precious gift yourself!

I'll see you there, my Kristen, as you hold your son for the first time, experiencing a love that you never dreamed you could possess. I'll see you there, I cannot imagine the emotions that will well up inside of me as I watch my daughter cradle her baby, as you and your beloved, become a family of three.

I see you there, and I am so thankful that God allowed me to be your momma!

Ahh...That's Nice

Wait! What is this? Joy, are your finally getting a secret dream fulfilled with a DIY decorating blog? Nah...just thought I'd use this awesome combo as a little prop for my blog talk today. I'm contemplating using my common pics to do this every Friday ('cause that's kinda how my brain works in the every day realm)...I see, I think, I write and attempt to make a point.

The above antique buffet was my husband's grandparents. Back in the day, it was a stunning, dark wood piece. My kids and mere life took its toll and it went from stunning to stunned. I asked my husband years ago if I could paint it, an off-white, (of course). He quickly responded with a "No". Every year, I asked. Every year, "No." Until this year!

I'm not a patient person. I have issues in the "waiting dept." especially when it comes to re-purposing furniture or decorating. I could have just started sanding when he wasn't home. I could have nagged him to death. I could have ignored his "no" and claimed I didn't hear him. I coulda, but I didn't. There was a time, when I really wasn't too concerned with what my husband wanted, I thought I knew best. Especially about the kids and the things around the house. The bottom line was I didn't respect him enough to consider how he felt about things, especially things like a piece of furniture.  The bottom, bottom line was, I didn't respect him.

The day he agreed to painting the buffet, was the day that baby went out into the garage! I was so excited, I sanded and sanded until my arms ached. I chose a lovely eggshell white and began to gloss that paint over that worn out piece. After one coat, my husband told me that I had good vision, it was a wise decision. Oh, I was feeling good. Between coats of paint I went to a barn sale. The guy had stuff in his barn that he didn't even bother to drag out. I ventured in and was delighted to find the old piece that you see on the wall in the above photo (taken by Katie one of my amazing photo-graphers - along with Micala). He gave it to me for $5.00. I was feeling even better! It took some elbow grease, but it was worth it. I left the original paint, with its crackled edge (cause that's my style) and admired my amazing antique piece to go along with the buffet. It was a match made in heaven!

Once the buffet was dry and my strong men brought her back in, beloved husband secured the (very heavy and sturdy) mirrored shelf. Oh, it was gorgeous! I wasted no time filling the buffet drawers with my antique linens, the top and shelves with my favorite old and new glass/white pieces.

It was worth the wait...for my husband to give me his blessing. The point isn't if the buffet was left alone or painted, the point is, it meant a lot to my man that I didn't hound him about it. He appreciated the fact that I didn't stomp my feet and demand my way. There are times, even when it doesn't make sense to us, we can bless our husbands by simply letting them know we trust them!

Sometimes....trusting our husbands looks like not giving in to nagging, whining, slamming doors, giving them the cold shoulder or withholding. Sometimes, our husbands are wise in their decisions. Sometimes, they have reasons beyond what we see. Sometimes, they even know what is best. Even when you can't trust your husband, you can trust God to deal with him...easier said than done, I know. But if you think about how trusting your husband really means bypassing that trust into God's hands...it makes sense.

My man also appreciated the fact that I did the work myself. I'm always dragging something home because I have a "vision" for it. Most of the time, he's great about my little projects, but he's even more delighted and blessed when I take initiative and fix it myself.

Sometimes, it doesn't take years to get a "yes," and there are times, when I do try to negotiate with him. But I've learned that manipulating and attempts to control DO NOT WORK - they only drive a wedge in our relationship. When I show my husband that I trust him (which is actually trusting God), it brings a glorious dimension to our marriage that I never thought I'd see. My husband has responded to me in ways he didn't before - because I've learned to show him respect, he's way better at the affection and affirmation I need.

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1

When Your Soul Cries Out

When your soul cries out, when the deepest anguish rises from the pit of your stomach, the pit of your soul, when you beg God to intervene...to save a child, save a marriage, heal, restore, redeem, rescue...He listens, He is there.

When you feel broken in a million pieces and you can't find one single piece that is whole any longer...He lifts them off the ground, out of your hands.

When you think you have disappointed everyone around you and have failed to the point of being forsaken and labeled by everyone...He still calls you his beloved.

When you have no idea where to turn or how any of this will work out, when hope seems to have faded away completely...He still causes the sun to rise each morning, breath to fill your lungs.

When you realize that you are desperate, desperate for God, that you will fail and wander away from Him over and over...He never tires of wooing you back to Him.

"I see your pain, I see your doubt, I haven't forgotten you. There is nothing you can do that will cause my love to change for you. I fought for you, I gave my life for you. My love is pure, my love has rescued you...let me take the broken in your life.

He will call upon me, and I will answer him, I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. Psalm 91:15

Today, I tucked one of her little girls into the car seat. She had fallen asleep in my arms. Her other precious daughter, was strapped into her seat. I spoke encouragement and reminded her that God would be with her, I prayed for her and we held onto one another as she wept. She's heading home to see family, out-of-state for a few days. Her husband has left. She is broken in a million pieces. Her soul cries out. Her heart aches. Her little girls are stressed and confused. Another marriage that I'm hoping God will restore. Another glimpse of how fragile life is and how it can change so quickly. The Lord is our hope, it is her only hope. But by hoping in God and God alone, you place your million pieces and broken heart into the hands of a Creator who is not only long-suffering, kind and gentle with his sheep, He is also the majestic lion...He will fight for you. The God who spoke earth, moons, stars, every life into existstance cares, he will move every one of them to get to your million pieces. He will move on your behalf.

God move among your people, move among the hearts of man. We cry out with desperate pleas ....we are a broken and needy people. You are our only hope.

We're in Trouble

The economic situation is depressing, the moral decline of our society, sobering, but the most heart breaking is the condition of marriages and families. People we're in trouble! The past few weeks, I've sobbed and cried my eyes out over the married couples who are close to us...in trouble, in crisis, in the pits! I've spent hours on the phone and hours counseling women. While filming the video, one particular day, I told one of the members of the film crew that it was a good day for "B" role (no interviewing, just background) because my eyes were so puffy and swollen from crying night after night. Poor me, right? No. I just happen to know the intense and immeasurable soul wrenching sorrow that one feels when their marriage isn't right. Truth is...it's poor "us."

We are in such a sad state of society (church community included) that we have tossed our vow, our commitment around like the old fast food sack in the back seat of the car.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, "If God can slop up the mess that my husband and I made of our marriage, he can clean up yours!" It's never too late! I don't care how badly you've hurt each other or what has been said and done. God is bigger than your sin and your spouses' sin! Your marriage is worth fighting for!

I don't forgot the sin that was done to me. My husband doesn't forget about the sin done to him.  But we CHOOSE to forgive, to move on, to allow MERCY to run rampant in our lives! We didn't have the will or the power to forgive. We don't have it, still today. What we do have is the Holy Spirit helping us, empowering us to be able to FORGIVE!

Let's face it, we are all sinners. So that means that you are married to a sinner and your spouse (though you may feel they are the most blessed to have you) is married to a sinner! Sobering thought, isn't it? Cause when you consider all the lame-brain ways your spouse has treated you, all the ways they have been inconsiderate, selfish, lazy and ignorant...you have to come to terms with ....you! I'm a sinner - Christ died for my sins. He was INNOCENT and paid my ransom. I didn't deserve it. That's MERCY! Yet, God forgives me, allows me an opportunity to have communion with him. That's extending His GRACE!

We sinful creatures can really make a mess of our lives and we are good at making messes for others. So much so we can end up with a mess of a marriage. But! Let's review....God is in the business of cleaning it up...that's the grace and mercy again.

My swollen, puffy eyes implore you, my breaking heart begs you....Drop to your knees and surrender - your life, your marriage to Him. Give him your mess. Hand it over -nasty heap that it is...He'll gladly accept it and create something that will take your breath away. Even if your spouse isn't willing to pray, get help, or change, you can still - stop, drop and pray - and give God your part of the mess!

Please, don't throw your vow out like last week's french fries you find in the back seat of the car. Your marriage is worth fighting for!

What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:24-25 

 DARE YOU PRAY: WHO WILL RESCUE THIS MARRIAGE FROM DEATH? THANKS BE TO GOD - THROUGH JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD  - HE WILL!

Hey, That Old Guy is My Dad!

I ran into Kroger today. I had just enough time to make my swath through the aisles and get back home before the school bus came. Coupons in hand, I was on a mission to remain devoted to my short, stick-to-it list. I was distracted by an old man wearing the typical old man, greenish/gray sweater. The kind that zips up in the front, Mr. Rogers style.  He was using a cane and moving very slowly. He was adorable...then I realized it was my own dad!

He was going in through the exit door, just what you would expect from an old man. But, he's not any old man, he's my old man. Apparently, mom was doing some grocery shopping and he was wandering in to find her. I pushed my cart through the produce, dashed from one item to the next and ventured to the front. I discovered mom in the check-out lane while Dad was slowing maneuvering his way from the pharmacy...getting prescriptions filled, as usual.

There's something about seeing a sweet old guy, hobbling along with a cane. But when its your dad, hobbling, and being old...it isn't so sweet, its more, sad. I see him in his element, at home, on the farm. My eyes, my emotions and senses are familiar with seeing him getting around slowly there. But it was kinda shocking to see him out in the real world...being old. We associate old with, let's be honest, death. I just lost a brother.  I don't want to think about losing my Dad. I want to be able to talk to him, kiss him on his bald head, hear his stories and his giggling laugh. I don't want him to be old and fragile. I want him to be vibrant, strong and young. I want to see him move with ease and be able to work those long farm hours and still be able to keep going. I want the ever-growing-closer reality of him being gone to not be a reality.

Dad spends a lot of time in his chair and he loves it when someone comes to visit. He can talk for hours. He'll tell you about the good 'ole days, he'll offer you advice, he'll make you laugh and he'll give a good dose of common sense laced with immense wisdom. He's got time now to talk and to share. He's can't work long and hard. He's available. He's right there, waiting for one of his kids to show up and in his own way, love on them. He's right there, sitting across from mom as she crochets her heart out. He'll wind up the yarn into a big ball for her as she uncoils a new scan. She literally has him wrapped around her heart - with a big bunch of hot pink yarn! Cancer has tormented his body as well as a bad heart and other health issues, but he's here. Most of the time, he's there...sitting next to mom.

There will come a day, when God moves him to a new address, a glorious homecoming. He won't be old any longer, he'll be more alive than ever. He won't battle with knees and hips that don't cooperate. He won't yearn to be out planting and harvesting and moving cattle...he'll be in the presence of the King. But, right now, I've got my old man and  I'm going to enjoy every beautiful moment with him. As he hobbles, I'll walk right along side, as he rocks in his chair, I'll sit next to him, as he tells his stories and talks about how to do just about anything in life, I'll be making mental notes. And as he continues to breathe the same air as I do, I'm going to continue to be grateful to God for the most wonderful old man, (in my opinion) that has ever graced the earth.

I have the comfort of knowing where my dad is going, when God moves him from this earth. Do you have that comfort with your parents, siblings, spouse, children, or friends....if not - KEEP PRAYING! Don't give up, don't stop planting tender seeds. It is not your responsibility to convict them - that's God's job, but you can love them, you can pray, you can be a witness.

Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. Exodus 20:12

Momma's Wanted!

Yup. He can be a momma's boy. He can rough and tumble in the yard, pretend to race motorcycles, climb a tree, spit in the grass, plow his tractors through the dirt, but when it's all said and done...he wants to know where his momma's at.

There's comfort in a hug, a smile, a look, that says, "you're OK kid." There's healing in taking the time to be around with his trucks and cars under my feet, to listen to his silly jokes that makes no sense, to watch him ride his bike for the millionth time,  - even when there are a million and one things to do.

There's love that is spoken when you get to have a cupcake even if you didn't eat every last bite of your green beans, you have to write thank you notes for birthday and Christmas gifts, when your mom makes you brush your teeth without washing off all the toothpaste first, when you always get tucked in at night with snuggles and hugs.

There's the Gospel message being lived out in every family that is willing to take one child, saying, "yes" to James 1:27...not desiring comfort and what is easy, but rather willing to do what is often hard and exhausting. Choosing to love the forgotten and broken often grows a radical faith...cause you often have to run to Jesus because it can get so hard.

There's tremendous, countless blessings in taking a child, who knew no momma and giving him one that will be there when he comes in all dirty and sweaty from playing outside. He isn't asking for a perfect momma and that's a good thing because I'm not and there is no such thing. He just wants and needs to know that when he needs her he can find her.

Is there a boy or girl somewhere in the world

looking for a momma

 and YOU happen to be the one they are looking for?

Defend the Fatherless

In These Uncertain Times

My daughter-in-law had never seen the show, The Waltons, before the other night. When she did get a quick chance to view some of the show, she surprisingly remarked that the kitchen (1930/40's era) looked like mine...it was the highest complement! I've worked hard making my kitchen look like classic "farmhouse." Included on a shelf are a couple of framed pages from a notebook I found when we moved into our home. My husband's grandparents made a lot of notes within those pages. It is a fascinating glimpse into their Depression era life.

The above photo shows the page that has a pickling recipe on the bottom and on the top, some carefully written notes from hay and hogs being sold and the price they brought. It's dated, December, 1929 - three months after the stock market crash...the Great Depression had begun.

I wonder if Grandpa McClain was worried about how they were going to survive when he was writing those figures. Was he fretting about how he had to stretch the money that had just come in until more hogs were ready to sell? Was there going to be enough to pay the bills, buy coal for heating, have enough to buy the coming year's seed for planting? Did he have enough to keep food in the bellies and clothes on the backs of his two growing boys? No doubt, he and his wife were a frugal pair. They lived off the land as much as they could and they didn't waste anything. Still, money had to be a concern in the looming economic uncertainty...well, we can identify with that today with the condition of our nation's bank account. Not to mention the debt that is drowning individual households.

My husband's grandparents made it through the depression and into the next World War. Scary and uncertain times...man has always faced them. It is no different today. It seems like everywhere we look today we see chaos,crumbling and decaying societies and morals. It is enough to make you get out your notebook and attempt to write down everything you have control over ....or you hope to have control over. 

Though we may face times of tribulation - actually, Jesus promises us - we will have tribulation in this life - we know that HE has overcome the world! For the believer, that is very good news because no matter how uncertain life becomes, God's plan will not, cannot, be thwarted!

The pages of the old McClain notebook are worn and tattered - they will not last forever, but the Word of God will! Financial situations can change - trials and tribulations will and do come, but God never changes, He is your one constant ...you can bank on it.

No matter what is coming our way, no matter the financial turmoil or breakdown of the family unit - leading to a breakdown in society...God is still God. He will not change. He neither sleeps nor slumbers. He knows the situation of your checking account better than you do! He knows what's coming and isn't surprised by by any tribulation you face. When Grandpa and Grandma McClain were scribbling down their meager budget and frugal recipes, God was there...He knew the outcome. He knows where we are headed too - and He will be there...you can bank on it!

Wrapped Up

Filming is finished. No more attempts to keep hair and make-up fresh, no more wardrobe changes every little bit. I'm back with my hair piled on my head, my face bare and my comfy, "normal" clothes back on. We endured drenching, early morning dew, ice-cold rain, long hours and glorious moments that God allowed - breathtaking views during sun-rise hours my eyes don't normally witness and sweet times of fellowship while working on this project.

I'm by nature, a very private person. Although I split the core of my being open as I write, I'm not one to invite others into my "space" for an extended time - especially with lights and cameras! The invasion of "the crew" into our lives was  a glorious, although exhausting time. I so appreciated their commitment and integrity to deliver the highest quality video while not compromising the comfort of those being filmed.  Nathan, Katie, Cheree, TJ and Hugh are anointed and extremely gifted and I will never look at film the same - not even a short commercial - the work that goes into each shot, the layering, the details...I have learned much and appreciate more!

The video will premier at the True Woman Conference in Indianapolis in September, just a few weeks after the book is officially released. From there, it will be seen on my blog, on the Revive Our Heart website as well as the Moody site, I believe. I try not to think about everything very much. It's that privacy thing I guess and knowing that I'm basically dust...only good thing in any of us is Christ. I'm grateful to God for how He chooses to use a message of redemption to encourage others. I mostly, praise Him for his continued grace in my life. I cannot go one day without his mercy and faithfulness. Truth be known - neither can you!

Though the film crew did an amazing job, though God has opened many unbelievable doors with the book and video...the most remarkable thing is that I am loved by the Creator of the Universe. NOTHING compares to knowing Christ - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

A new and  improved blog will be coming in the next few weeks, for that, I'm extremely grateful! Readers will be grateful too because it will be much easier to read, with much more to offer! I got a preview the other day and squealed with delight...nothing like an awesome new blog site to make a blogger happy!

No matter what wonderful blessings you can count - no matter how great or small, remember - NOTHING COMPARES!

Day 1 of Shooting video for Revive Our Hearts and book promo

See that white chair in the middle of my living room? Notice its surrounded by lots of equipment. Someone had to sit in that chair with the cameras, lights and crew. Someone had to talk about times of struggle, times of sorrow and times of making mistakes.

Today, I got a little glimpse of what it must be like for those glorious 'ol patriarchs in the Old Testament...where all they did is on display for thousands of years and still is, for us to read and ponder how they could miss the mark so many times. Of course, they would be all about glorifying God - glad to allow their failures to give us a better picture of Christ.

Just like the followers of Christ in the New Testament - those like Peter who we see being hard-headed, quick to judge, quick to be irrational and deny Christ...my dirty laundry was flapping in the breeze today. Actually, my husband and I must have made quite the clothesline scene with the laundry we hung out today. At least Mark got to shoot his segment in the garage (sure wish we would have spent some time cleaning out there!)

A lusting David, a quick-to-anger Peter, a despairing Jonah...humans doing human things, making human mistakes. Things haven't changed much...we are still humans doing human things, making human mistakes. At least that is how it is in the McClain household. Who would have thought that the nasty mess we had made of our lives would one day be something that could bring God glory in the end? But, God, since that first rebellion in the garden, has made a way for man's mistakes. God is in the business of restoring and redeeming.

God's in the slopping-up-your-mess business!

As we move into another day of shooting, Mark and I are relieved that we lived through day one! We have an anointed and amazing crew taking good care of us and a faithful Father who not once has forgotten us - no matter if we are watching our marriage crumble, weeping over the glorious restoration of our family or sitting in a chair - in the middle of lots of equipment spilling our guts...so that God may be glorified.

Years ago, who would have dreamed that God would use HIS story in our lives to encourage others! Don't think for one moment that the tribulation you face now won't be used in ways that you cannot fathom! There is purpose in your pain - to draw you closer to Christ, increase your faith and so that you in-turn, can minister to others who struggle.

Some day you just might find yourself sitting in a chair in your living room!

Perspective from a 92 year old woman

We went to see my husband's cousin a few days ago. Jane lived two houses down from us all of our married life. She was a wonderful influence in my children's lives. Now, she's in an assisted living facility. She weighs about 80 pounds. Every bone in her body is protruding and pronounced. Her hair which she always kept so well groomed and beautiful is mostly gone. Her gaunt face still has the redemption of her sweet smile. She's had a catheter for three years and getting out of bed any more is almost impossible. Although she still wears some of her most favorite jewelry every day, Jane is waiting to die.

Her mind, though, is sharp as a tack!

Jane is so incredibly frail and weak and has the most incredible positive attitude - always has.
Though her body is failing, her gratitude remains, "There are a lot of people worse off than me," she quietly says matter-of-fact. She's right, but a lot of people who are not near as bad off as her, are filled with utter despair. If only they could spend some time with sweet and precious Jane!

We told Jane that we would come again soon and do some music for her - she so enjoys that. We asked her what she'd like to hear and she wanted to hear some hymns. One in particular. Unfortunately, Jane doesn't receive visits from her pastor and hasn't for years. She feels a little forgotten by those she used to serve in the church, but she's confident that God hasn't forgotten her. I asked Jane what her favorite song was and she quickly responded, "Oh, My Tribute!" I couldn't recall the song that went along with the title so she recited the chorus lyrics for me,

To God be the glory,
To God be the glory,
To God be the glory,
For the things He has done.
With His blood He has saved me,
With His power He has raised me,
To God be the glory,
For the things He has done.

I asked Jane if there were any others that were her favorites and she looked squarely at me and responded, "This song says it all, to God be the Glory!" That was that. Jane in her frail and dying body sits positionally in a glorious place - a place where many of us healthy young folks miss....it really is all about God - and He is worthy of the glory and our praises!

Most Glorious and Good Friday

"It is finished." Most glorious words spoken.

Trembling, creation holds its breath as His heart gently thumps one last time.
His gasping chest has ceased to demand air. No more utterances, moans or whispers from his parched and swollen mouth. Dried and crusted blood stain the ground below.

Silence.

All of creation had waited, anticipated this moment when that heart would make one final beat... it had been set into motion thousands of years before.

Abraham, taking his son, Isaac, his one and only son to the place where he would offer Isaac as a sacrifice in obedience to God, is questioned by his son..."the fire and wood are here, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?" Abraham responds, "God himself will provide the lamb for the bunt offering."

Standing in the Jordan River, John, dripping wet from baptizing those who had heeded his message, "Repent," looks up and sees Jesus coming closer. John's entire life, the very purpose of his days have been to prepare the people for the one he announces, "Behold, the Lamb of God!"

Creation holds it's breath. The heart begins to beat again. Air fills the once gasping lungs. Strong legs and arms move without hindrance. The voice powerful enough to speak stars into existence cannot be quieted. God himself provided the lamb of sacrifice, which was slain and has now, risen!

Silence will be no more, all of creation, that has waited and watched...beyond that final breathe, beyond that final heart beat....beyond the magnificent words, "It is finished," beyond the empty grave...finally, the Lamb will return as the final curtain is drawn...creation will burst forth in glorious song,

"Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!"..."To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, forever and ever!"
Rev. 5:12, 13.

Pliable and Painful

Is God calling you? Is He using something in your life to get your attention? Is He attempting to purge those character traits that are not of Him from your life? It is painful when we are on the anvil - when the hammering continues - when God allows us to be frustrated in our sin - until we surrender.

Our tendency is to run, to hide, to beg God to remove the adversity, remove the pain. We naturally question why a loving God would allow such burdens, rather than understanding that He is teaching us, He is molding us.

Be pliable in the Creator's hands. Allow Him to shape you into the person He meant you to be. Don't attempt to harden your heart and set as concrete your spirit. Trust Him. He has your best interest in mind. He isn't punishing you or angry with you, just sculpting you into something beautiful.

The hammering may continue, for a season. Be pliable in the Master's hands. Be willing to surrender to him the outcome.

Your attempts to run won't make it go away. Move closer, closer still, into His arms. He will hold you tight during your time on the anvil. You can be assured that the Master watches closely, every chipping away has a purpose, every bit of stone that is painfully removed is to reveal a masterpiece that is defined and without a doubt the work of His hand.

You will be marked by your Maker....they will know who formed you...the Creator's traits will be upon you and visible for all to see.

"But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand," ISA 64:8.

Lessons from a former orphan

"Super hero's don't just think of their self, they think of others." Over and over again, we are attempting to help Luke understand that he must think of how his actions/words effect others. He likes to think of himself as a superhero and that he can save the world, save anyone. There was a time when all he could do was attempt to protect himself, but now that "His dream has come true with a family," he sometimes gets carried away and forgets about others. Even when we are blessed with wonderful things, we need to think of others....that's what I tell Luke...

then I remember myself...

I must think I'm a super hero too because I think of "me" most of the time.

I think of me when I am too tired to listen to another woman who is struggling in her marriage. I think of me when I am impatient at explaining the same simple math concept to Luke for the one hundredth time. I think of me when I don't care about my husband's day...only dumping my own frustrations on him as he walks through the door. I think of me when some one doesn't meet my expectations, when my feelings are hurt, when I don't get my way, when I have an agenda and get frustrated at God for not seeing it my way.

I need to put away my super hero cape.

I don't want to think of me so much. I want God's perspective on those around me - I want to see them as He does, not what they will take from me, or ask of me. I want to give of myself. I want my heart to overflow with the love of Christ so much that its impossible to think of self...but, that won't ever happen, cause there is no good thing in me...only Christ. I might do better than I used to and be more willing, but I will never cease to put me first a lot of the time. It will be a daily lesson, just like it is for Luke.

Each time I correct Luke, reminding him to think of others, I am reminded of myself.

Give me the heart of a servant, Lord!

God, thank you for the son you gave us.
Thank you for allowing him to teach us...about You.

Prostitutes and Preachers

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

We've read it, wrote it, memorized it, quoted it...one of the most popular verses in the Bible...

But do we UNDERSTAND IT or better yet, BELIEVE IT?

It doesn't matter if you are a prostitute, drug addict, murderer, slanderer, gossip, mean-spirited or down right lazy...God loves you. If you yelled at your kids today, fought with your husband, told off the driver in front of you this morning, or only thought about your self and your selfish needs all day...God loves you. As a matter of fact, He loves you so much He wants to call you out of the "self" lifestyle you have been leading...not so you will have to follow a bunch of rules or to whip you into submission...but, rather to set you free - to fill you with His peace -eternally.

Actually, God has already done what is necessary to give you this freedom. Like it states above - He gave you His son. He put His one and only on the cross and had him bear your nasty deeds, thoughts and flesh. He allowed His one and only to become what you are so that you could have what he offers - eternal life and a life of hope now.

You cannot add to it - no matter how many old ladies you help across the street or how much you throw in the plate on Sunday mornings. The debt has been paid. You are free if you will accept the payment that's been made on your behalf. Ever have someone pay a bill for you that you owe? I have and it was not only a wonderful surprise, but a deep gesture that spoke how much someone thought of me. God does it completely - He gave you his son in place of His wrath for your sin.

You cannot be good enough for it - no matter how pristine your life has been - you are filthy rags - even on your absolute best day! You might be keeping track of all the wonderfully thoughtful and sacrificial things you are doing, but you are the only one tallying. You cannot balance the scales of judgement with your deeds - so you can stop trying to earn and work your way to heaven.

So, if you cannot do it on your own - if God has done this most glorious thing for you, just what are you to do? Accept the payment! It doesn't matter if your a prostitute or a pastor...you need the grace of God. Confess your sins, admit your stains. Ask Christ to come into your heart, accept His payment. Ask God to make you a new creation, setting you free from the bondage of "self."

Come as you are. You don't have to wait until you have your act together, or after you've accomplished something that you think will make God so proud....cause you can't add to what the gift He's already given you...so stop trying.

God loves you, no matter who you are...whoever believes in him....you will not perish!

Throw off your sackcloth

Clean bed sheets. They make me happy, so does taking a walk, having a good cup of French vanilla coffee on the back porch, watching the baby goats run through the lush, green pasture, a full moon, buttery popcorn, fresh cut flowers...so many ways to have a moment of bliss and mostly, they are free - if I will only partake.

Those unique ways, fused into my day help me to reflect and remember the joys of life.

Where did we get the notion that God wants us walking around with long faces, sober thoughts and a life of want and neglect?

God wants us to enjoy life - not to the point where we make this world our desire, but to recognize that He gave each of us wonderfully unique ways that speak "smiles" to us. For me, it is a lot of being outdoors, or with a good book, creating, being with my guitar.

When is the last time you did that very simple thing that you so enjoy? Have you ever made a list of the top ten things that bring you joy? For a friend of mine, its having a diet Pepsi on ice...its that simple! When is the last time you allowed yourself to be unburdened by the harsh world by taking a few moments for you...not in a selfish way...just a refreshing way.

My family has suffered a great loss recently with the passing of my brother. We all gathered at the farm, around the pond last Sunday, enjoying the amazing weather. We ate, fished, took walks, talked, played corn-hole, loved on all the babies, relaxed in the sun...we stopped the business of life for a day and enjoyed simply being.

What are the unique ways God brings you joy? What are those simple moments that He knows delight your heart....if you have to think very long, its time to revisit them!

Lonely and Afflicted

Ever feel like God has given you more than you can handle? Sometimes God will ask hard things from you. Though people quote scripture to you, say encouraging words and throw trite phrases your way, sometimes it feels as if they are hoping their words will suffice because they don't really have the time to invest in your wounds. You are left feeling lonely and afflicted. You are left questioning and wondering if God really does have love in mind when pain and tribulation etches so deeply upon your heart.

The Psalms speak of being overwhelmed with the sorrows of life over and over again - being handed a heavier load than the heart can bear. If God didn't allow more than you could handle on your own....why would you ever call out to him? Why would you see the need to change if you thought you could save yourself? Why would your inner-most ever seek to be comforted and fulfilled if we were capable of soothing self?

Your trial is meant to draw you near to God. You may not understand at all why these things have come upon you. You may never understand. But God has purpose in this time of sorrow. God has not left you nor is He left without a plan for your tomorrow.

He is near you, beloved, in your lonliness and affliction....God is so very near.

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Psalm 25:16

Losing a brother and a shared history

The call came late last Saturday. Through sobs of grief, my nephew told me his dad, my brother, was gone. My husband rushed to their home while I had the unthinkable job of telling my mom and dad that one of their children had died.

My sweet momma in her night gown sitting next to her beloved of over 60 years, knew someone had gone and she could barely stand the thought of hearing who. They held tight to one another and with the blow of their youngest son, now gone from the earth, they held even tighter to their hope in Christ.

The past week has been a foggy blur. Tasks and chores still need to be done, the flowers sent by loved ones are fading, the meals have stopped, the constant calls have quieted down...we are left with life to live.

I am the youngest of five children, my brother Dan, was the next oldest sibling. He is the one who shared my childhood. He is the one who has the longest and deepest history with me. Almost every one of my etched memories include him in the picture. We both loved outdoors and making the most of our glorious life on a farm. Even as we grew up, we remained close, having an understanding of each other that can only be explained by our rich history. It was a true sibling relationship...we could still get on each other's nerves, say what was on our mind without it affecting our love for one another.

I've been going through my memory file with my brother. I can hear him holler as he swings on a vine over the steep hill in the woods, I can see his tanned legs dangling over the tractor inter tube as he floats around on the pond on a hot summer day, I can hear him boss me around in the sand box and in the barn as we take care of livestock. I can visualize the dreams he had for himself and his family and I can feel his pain as he struggled with some hard issues in life. I catch glimpses of him in his children and grandchildren. I will never be able to see a fishing pole without being transported to his side as he cast his fishing line over still waters.

I will always have my memory file. What has changed is that I can only enjoy them myself. The other person that I could always count on to go traipsing through parts of those good 'ole days is now gone. I'm grateful for our childhood. I'm thankful for that rich history with my brother.

Grief is a funny thing. You feel so many different emotions all at once. I know that time will heal. My heart breaks for my dear sister-in-law. I do not know a more resilient woman. I am confident that God covers her with his tender mercies. I also know her days ahead will be hard.

My confidence, my hope, my sister-in-laws comfort, ultimately isn't in our memory files - though they bring much comfort during the grieving process. Our hope is in the cross - death has been defeated. My brother is more alive today than ever before. It is just for a little while that we will be separated from him. There will come a day when we will be worshiping at the feet of our King - for all eternity and that is why I know that despite the sorrow of today, there will come a day when complete joy will be all that we know.

Your Story

My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the king; my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer. Psalm 45:1

I expose my inner most in my journals. I always have. From the time I learned to write complete sentences - words taking form on page after page became my voice - my heart cries to God.

Volumes of journals are filled with questions, pleas, joys, despairs, laments, petitions before the throne, wisdom from the truth of Scripture...it is God's story of my life.

I have learned that a lot of my questions will never be answered. I don't have to understand the why's to all the hurts and disappointments in life. Some prayers were answered, some were not. I've been given the beautiful gift of experiencing deep sorrows that offer a glimpse into a suffering that is holy and refining. I've experienced the elation of redemption, of new life. All of the "experiences," all the emotions...lead me back to one place - the deep well from which, my soul longs to drink from.

Through all the happenings that are telling in my journals, the bottom line (though I mostly wasn't aware of it) was that I was actually longing for another place - not simply a well to drink from but to be with the actual giver of Living Water. I've told my children that once I take my final breath, all those journals are theirs - they are free to browse through my years of wanderings. I will no longer need to run continually to the well. I will be dwelling, eternally, with the Giver of Life....my thirst will finally be quenched. I will be home.

Your story is not over. God is still working and doing more than you can ever know or see. Your story will be filled with pages that speak of your sorrow, pain, satisfaction, lonliness, anger, frustration, tears, and all those moments of joy....but they are mere pin dots on a vast page compared to all eternity.

I continue to journal, to blog, to write songs, to spill out my inner-most onto a blank page...perhaps someone else will be able to identify with the words that I give to the emotions they feel. Perhaps one will be encouraged when I am being vulnerable - hearing me say, I've been there too, I understand. All of my pouring out - since I was a little girl - have actually been my soul crying out - longing for that glorious place, the finish line of my race, my home.

Endurance

I remember that warm late-spring day just before my wedding all those years ago, sitting on the hill next to the clothes line with my mom. We sat next to the clothes basket that held the clean laundry she had just taken off the line. She was passing along wisdom regarding marriage and that there would be days in my married life when I just felt like up and running away. I thought she was crazy. I never saw her argue openly with my dad and I was shocked to hear that she must have thought that way at least once in her marriage. She said no matter how much you love 'em, there will be those days when it's just really hard. I heard her words and maybe I nodded out of respect, but I remember my mind was thinking, "No way, mom, that won't happen to me."

Duh.

Not only have there been days where I wanted to up and run away, there came a day when I actually did! Thankfully, after much repentance, redemption and reconciliation, I ran back down the aisle and recommitted my life to my husband.

Mom's been married to the same man for over sixty years. She's been the sole cook, laundress, house-keeper, shopper, toilet scrubber, dish washer, she starched her linens, taught five kids manners, always put her husband over her children and kept silent many times when I'm sure she wanted to lash out at her man. She sweat in the hot sun, tending to farm and garden chores next to her beloved, cried on his shoulder, kept constant vigilance by his side during heart surgeries and cancer treatments, believed in him and she's held on tightly to his hand all these years - even during those times when she must have felt like "up and running."

I don't know if dad ever knew that mom had "those days." I'm pretty certain he had his own but we never knew it.

Dad has worked harder than any human I've ever known. He's also loved and cared for his wife more tenderly than any man I've known. Medically speaking, dad shouldn't be alive, although his days are certainly numbered, his greatest fear is leaving "her" alone.

Through sixty years of doing life together - all the trials, tears, frustrations, babies, illnesses, teenagers, bills, the long hours during planting and harvest, the phone calls in the middle of the night, disappointments and the joys....they endured, as one flesh.

Sitting on the hillside, just above the clothesline that day, mom's hands were still fairly youthful. They weren't yet misshapen from arthritis, not too many age or sun spots. They were still strong.

In their fragility and age-worn adornment, mom and dad's hands look a lot different now. If you look closely, those hands hold a beautiful message - one of grace, endearing commitment and love.

This is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Genesis 2:24