Is that us in that picture?!

In the mail yesterday I received a newsletter from one of my favorite ministries: Revive Our Hearts (Nancy Leigh DeMoss). I unfolded the glossy-faced paper and glanced at the front. Immediately, my eyes caught site of two recognizable individuals, featuring their testimony on the next page. I quickly folded it back up and laid it on my desk. I'd look at it later, when my husband was home. It is strange for us to see our picture and story "out there."

Later, when we were ready to go to bed, I remembered the newsletter and got it out and showed my husband. He immediately cringed. I read it quickly, skimming over the words from the safe view behind his arm that was holding the paper. We pray that others see the testimony of a faithful God who worked in our hearts and lives. God is still working in us! Our story is not a "...and they lived happily ever after story," but it is a story of how we found grace and mercy and learned to extend that as we journeyed through marriage. We still have times where we struggle. We still have times where God reminds us back of those profound, painful lessons.

My husband is the most transparent man I've ever known. There is no pretense about him. He has no desire for anyone to look to him for hope - it is God and God alone that gets him through every day. Same for me. I love biographies of people who lived lives dedicated to God. I am inspired as they reveal their struggles, revelations, and the ever-present help of God. Unfortunately, in our culture, we've gotten away from the value of "biography" and have instead, lusted after "celebrity." God did a mighty work in our lives and we want GOD to stay in the forefront and in every nook and cranny of our testimony as GOD desires to use it - to bring Glory to HIS name.

When we found out that Moody Publishing desired to publish my book, our greatest concern was ourselves....we are a work in progress, just like everyone else, we are desperate and needy for our Savior - each and every day. We have no desire to be looked at, put in a position where we do not belong or thought more highly of than we should be. We praise God for His blessing in the way of opportunity to tell more people about what He has done. I put forth a great deal of hard work in the telling of His story and He is allowing the work of my hands to be fruitful. It is all - only by HIS grace!

There are other happenings on the horizon....a video being taped in March at our home (oh my, can you imagine the cleaning I'm going to have to do!), more dedicated work that goes into the preparations of publishing a book. It kinda makes our head spin. How could God ever use us? The only way is because he desires to use what HE has done and continues to do in our lives! We have nothing to offer the world, we have nothing of value or worth that any other person would desire. But we do have the greatest treasure man could ever possess - an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ!

We would so appreciate your prayers in the next coming months. Having all of your dirty laundry out to air is worth it if it causes someone to relate to our very real and transparent struggles, someone to persevere in a difficult marriage, and mostly, if it causes others to seek HIM!

Not to us, Oh Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness. Psalm 115:1

Not Forgotten

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! Isaiah 49:15

No brightly colored rooms, no diapers, no warm blankets. Dirty cribs held babies who had long stopped crying, they had learned no one comes when they cry out. Some of the babies had serious health issues; others appeared amazingly healthy considering their diet mostly consisted of cabbage soup. The babies in this orphanage were some of the loneliest beings my eyes had ever seen. Though still under a year old, the babies didn’t make eye contact, they didn’t coo or laugh when you interacted with them, they didn’t melt their bodies into your arms. Some even went ridged when held. They were mere infants and it seemed as if they had already given up.

The older kids appear to feel forgotten they naturally pointed visitors to the younger children. Such inner turmoil was visible. They longed to engage with us, yet they protected their gravely wounded hearts. What is the point in hoping when searing disappointment will only torture their desperate souls? Most everyone wants the younger kids; the older ones are used to being passed by. They were merely surviving in a hollowed out shell.

I spent years going to orphanages all over the world. My heart was broken and burdened so deeply for the millions of children who have never had a human tear shed on their behalf. No one has looked their way unless they wanted to use, abuse, or capitalize on their vulnerability. I cannot reconcile the evil that pounces upon a child at any given moment, all over the world, every day of every passing year. I cannot imagine the horrors some of these delicate souls have had to endure. It is nauseating. I cannot understand much of the suffering this world has to offer. The world offers pain, sickness, greed, pride, disappointment and eventually, physical death. At times it is hard to reconcile a loving God with such grim pictures in the stealing away of children’s innocence. But this is exactly why we so desperately need to see God in this picture.

God chose to come to this place that holds such sorrow and abuse. God chose to dwell among those who would hurt the vulnerable, the innocent, the despairing. Since the beginning of man, children have been abused, they have been orphaned and they have been abandoned. Since the beginning of time, God had a plan. He had a strategy to redeem his children.

We were murderers from the get-go. We hate with our heart and want what we cannot have. We cling to our idols no matter how many times God has proved himself trustworthy. We have sickened ourselves with addictions. We have set up our private little kingdoms, thinking we are worthy of worship. We have manipulated, lied, stolen, and ignored the wounded. We are a filthy, pathetic bunch of orphans running around with snotty attitudes and noses. How lifeless we can be. How depressed we are with thinking that God looks past us, to the more beautiful ones, to more “deserving” ones. Though He cradles us in his loving arms, we grow rigid. Though He came and dwelt among us, gave His life blood for us, cried out for us and redeemed us, we still act as if we are orphans.

Precious, beloved child of God, see His heart for you, for the orphan. Feel His tender compassion on you, on the Fatherless. Know that He is your Abba, Father, he sees it, He hears the silent cries, and He smells the sick vapors of the evil atrocities upon the vulnerable. In those times of hard questions, He is there. He has always been there. He has not sat silent, He has not allowed evil to prevail. Death has been conquered and one day evil shall be no more. Nothing, not dirty cribs, blank stares, empty arms, broken dreams, shattered lives, stolen innocence, the starving body, not even death can thwart the power of the moment God stepped down into this world and redeemed his children. You are a redeemed child of God, your sins have been forgiven - you are no longer an orphan. You are not forgotten!

The Good Shepherd Knows His Sheep

I've kept sheep for a time, but it's goats that have taken up residence in the barn and pasture for years now. I am the main caregiver of the goats, a shepherd so to speak. They are dependent upon me. Other people can come up to the barn and next to the pasture. The goats will gladly check out the visitors, but they will remain cautious. If they don't recognize the voice, they won't respond well. Even if they cannot see me, if I call for them, they will come running from the pasture and into the barn. Over time, they have come to trust me and only me. When I am there, no matter what I'm doing, they are quiet and peaceful. My presence brings them comfort.

When the does (the females) have their adorable goat kids (babies) in late winter, they allow me to handle them, check them, take them out of the pen for a short time. If anyone else walks up to their stall, they move in front of their kid(s), stamp the ground and make a lot of noise...they don't want a stranger near their babies. They don't recognize the strange voices.

Goats and sheep like the same voice, the same person caring for them. They come to trust that person and will allow that person to lead them. Once goats are broken to lead, they will allow me to lead them anywhere. Breaking them can be hard work. Some, allow you to lead them quickly. They don't fight back, lay down, or stand in a stubborn stance. The pressure I have to apply to them is light. Others, are extremely difficult. They can drop their head to the ground with their front feet splayed out and you are left with the rear end sticking up and a 100 pound goat that refuses to move. You don't want to choke it and you don't want the goat to know it can get away with this kind of behavior. Over and over again, you pull it up, it is hard on one's back. The goat will have a lot of pressure applied, and there's a great deal of grunting, lifting, tugging and encouragement to follow my lead. I know what each one can stand during this process, I will not ever allow the goat to be harmed - I will however, allow a lot of discomfort until they learn that I am the master. I do everything I can to keep a goat from getting into the habit of refusing to lead. For their own good, they must allow me to master over them. If they understood how much easier it would be for them, if they would simply follow, they would not fight, they would allow the yoke to be light.

Colder weather is coming today and I took every precaution to keep them warm, dry, safe, secure. They don't have to be concerned about their daily care, they are free to enjoy safe pasture. They know their shepherd will meet all their needs, they will have no need to fear. Goats are great watch dogs - they are very aware and alert - they won't rest unless they know all is completely well. It is a great satisfaction to any shepherd to see their animals lying down, chewing their cud, in total peace.

There is much to be learned from a herd of goats. They know their master's voice, they respond only to the master, they are confident when their master cares for them that they can lie down in green pastures, they learn to follow his lead, and when they refuse to follow, pressure will be applied, until the lesson is learned....the way of the Master brings a lighter yoke.

When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a strangers' voice. John 10:4-5

I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me-just as the Father knows me and I know the Father...John 10:14

In Trials and Tribulation - Give me Jesus

I remember kneeling next to a bed and running my hands over the covers on top. My body heaved as I sobbed. It was the bed of my beloved husband. Lost in his world of addiction he had taken residence in his mom's extra bedroom. Such deep sadness penetrated every bit of my being.

I can still feel the little teeth sinking into my hand as he spews words at me. Sometimes in English, sometimes in Ukrainian, "You're not my momma!" Spit had hit my face as well as his fist. After all the heartache and relentless pursuit in rescuing our son from an orphanage, I deeply grieved as it seemed as if his deep wounds would never heal.

I stroked her hand as I sung the words to You are my all and all, softly into her ear. My precious daughter, distraught over life, had taken too many pain killers. As she lay on that sterile bed in the ER, I felt like such a failure as a mom. We had all been through the battle with her father so very long. What would it take for it all to end?

Just like anyone else, I've had my share of heartache. In the midst of following Christ and desiring to be obedient...trials and tribulations came. I don't always understand why God does what he does. I don't always see beauty for the ashes. There is a high cost to following Christ, Jesus warned us of that in Scripture. Still, with each difficult season, often after a time of venting, ranting, raving and a lot of tears, I found that my soul was drawn back to that which does not change or fail me...Jesus would be me rock, my protector, my friend, my comforter and peace.

The above situations have been gloriously redeemed. Yet, there are storms on the horizon. I cannot see them, but they are there. More trials and tribulations will come. They are meant to draw me closer to God, purge me of much impurity, cause my reflection to be more like Christ and to keep my spirit calling out to Him...in relentless pursuit.

In all things, I want to desire Him - no matter the day or circumstance - in all things, in happiness and in sadness - give me Jesus.

The Enemy's Attempt to Disconnect

I witnessed two young women, intensely talking. One was obviously going through a difficult situation. After a few moments, the other woman abruptly said she had to go and told the friend in distress to, “Text me.” It wasn’t much of a face-to-face, intimate encounter for the hurting. Encouragement instead came through an inanimate object using condensed phrases.

I sense the enemy’s enjoyment; another successful attempt to disconnect.

Imagine worship on Sunday morning. The band is “on” the energy level is high, the crowd, the music, the clapping. Hands are raised and people are singing. Ask someone how their time with the Lord is going through- out the week and they might suggest there is a struggle with their personal worship time. It just isn’t the same without the band, the energy, the people, the clapping, the noise crowding out the conviction.

Distractions work for the mission to disconnect.

Face book postings – glossy, perfected, images of a young bride as she posts about her wonderful vacation with her awesome husband, new home, thoughts on the movie she just saw. But on the inside, she’s discouraged. Her new husband’s preoccupied and spends a lot of time on the computer. The sites he’s visiting leaves her feeling used, lonely and shamed. Constantly updating her status and photos, her greatest fear is being found out – how her life really is.

Keep them working towards the” impossible” image, it fosters disconnect

A young man is interviewed on a video about his recent short-term mission. He’s excitedly talking into the camera about how close the group became with the resident pastor of the church they were helping in the Third World Country. The man behind the camera asked what the pastor’s name was. The young man, still smiling answers, “I have no idea.”

False sense of intimacy keeps them from really enduring with one another…disconnect.

Water down God's Truth so that it doesn't offend. Just keep them coming back, don’t make them uncomfortable – give them what they want to hear.

Lack of awe, reverence, respect leads to lack of understanding the holiness of God…disconnect.

Disconnect man from man, man from God – subtle warfare –effective strategy.

Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners and purify your hearts, you double-minded. James 4:8

When Faith is Weak

What does God think of you when your faith is weak? Does He refuse your prayers and your calling out because you doubt? Are his eyes turned to those who seem to possess a supernatural ability to have faith - no matter what they face? The Bible has a lot to say about believing - in the Lord Jesus Christ - that he took the penalty for your sins - that he arose, was resurrected.

The Bible speaks a lot about trusting, not being fearful, recognizing that God made the universe and all that it holds. It has a lot to say about faith.

But can our lack of faith hold back God's love and involvement in our life? Don't confuse recognizing your need for Christ - having faith in Him with your lack of faith with the day in and day out doings of your life ....even when you are praying for God to move on a situation....sometimes, you don't believe that He will move.

Does God need your faith to move in your situation? NO!

God wants to hear from you how you desire Him to step in and have reign over a situation or circumstance that appears hopeless. He longs for you to desire Him, His will, His working in your life....but, God does not gauge His answer to your prayers by your faith!
There is NOTHING you can do to add to God's desire to love and care for you.

Should you pray? Absolutely!
Should you continue to pray even when the answer is slow in coming? Absolutely!
Can you be confident that God will do what is most loving towards you even when your faith is weak? Absolutely!
Should you pray for God to increase your faith? Absolutely!

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you; when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. Isa. 43:1-3

Fear not, beloved - God has called you His own - though your faith is weak - He will not be moved from you!

The Right Motives

"The greatest competitor of devotion to Jesus is service for him... the one aim of the call of God is the satisfaction of God, not the call to do something for him... We have confused serving people for Christ sake (which is right) with pleasing people for ours (which is wrong). We have replaced the simple and proper call to be faithful with the complex and elusive call to be successful." - Charles Drew

I appreciate the above quote. Oftentimes, I find myself checking my motives as to why I'm doing what I'm doing...am I fulfilling a need, am I longing for a pat on the back, am I only after personal gain and the most important question of all, am I fulfilling a lonely gap with serving rather than simply loving the One I serve?

I used to spend a lot of energy being a people-pleaser. I didn't want to make waves or cause a scene. I still don't really want to draw attention, but I do want to speak truth. I am thankful that because of the grace of God, I am now more interested in what God has to say rather than man. I no longer fear man (or woman) or the rejection of man. My confidence comes not from my own position or accomplishments - on my best day I am still a filthy rag compared to the Glory of God. My confidence comes from knowing TRUTH - God is sovereign, just, omnipotent, omniscient, glorious, wonderful, and holy and certainly worthy of my worship.

Positionally, I sit in no greater place - than that of right where I am - a child, redeemed by a Holy God.

Therefore, I can enjoy knowing Him and not be concerned so much with the who, when and where I am to be serving....out of the overflow of my love for Christ....service will naturally flow forth.

Check your motives - who do YOU fear?