I remember kneeling next to a bed and running my hands over the covers on top. My body heaved as I sobbed. It was the bed of my beloved husband. Lost in his world of addiction he had taken residence in his mom's extra bedroom. Such deep sadness penetrated every bit of my being.
I can still feel the little teeth sinking into my hand as he spews words at me. Sometimes in English, sometimes in Ukrainian, "You're not my momma!" Spit had hit my face as well as his fist. After all the heartache and relentless pursuit in rescuing our son from an orphanage, I deeply grieved as it seemed as if his deep wounds would never heal.
I stroked her hand as I sung the words to You are my all and all, softly into her ear. My precious daughter, distraught over life, had taken too many pain killers. As she lay on that sterile bed in the ER, I felt like such a failure as a mom. We had all been through the battle with her father so very long. What would it take for it all to end?
Just like anyone else, I've had my share of heartache. In the midst of following Christ and desiring to be obedient...trials and tribulations came. I don't always understand why God does what he does. I don't always see beauty for the ashes. There is a high cost to following Christ, Jesus warned us of that in Scripture. Still, with each difficult season, often after a time of venting, ranting, raving and a lot of tears, I found that my soul was drawn back to that which does not change or fail me...Jesus would be me rock, my protector, my friend, my comforter and peace.
The above situations have been gloriously redeemed. Yet, there are storms on the horizon. I cannot see them, but they are there. More trials and tribulations will come. They are meant to draw me closer to God, purge me of much impurity, cause my reflection to be more like Christ and to keep my spirit calling out to Him...in relentless pursuit.
In all things, I want to desire Him - no matter the day or circumstance - in all things, in happiness and in sadness - give me Jesus.
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