If Only...

You may have a need for your car to be repaired right now. You may be in need of some groceries, you may have a health issue that requires medical attention. You may need to pick up your phone and call your mom...these are good and necessary, real "needs."

What about that bigger, cleaner, more organized, more spacious home you've been dreaming about? What about the vision of that sleek car that never has french fries on the floorboard or mud on the back seat where your toddler has placed his moody shoes? What about a husband that finally gets that you do not want him to fix your problems, but simply listen to them, take you out on a date and understand your emotional make-up without thinking your just "moody." Or, if only your child would stop being so whiny, your husband would make more money, your mother-in-law would keep her nose out of your marriage, the list goes on and on. So many things that would make us happier, if only they could be....or would they?

We, and dare I say, we in this blessed country, have issues with contentment. A lot of the time, we have no idea what it means to be content. We really don't even want to take the time to find out what matters. We are too busy pursuing those things, those images, those fairy tales, those illusive "if onlys" that we are certain would make us HAPPY!

Oh, there is that word - happy. If you aren't - get divorced, get it fixed, get it removed, get a bigger one, a smaller one, a better-looking one, a younger one, ignore it....

Where along the way did we lose our ability and tenacity to stick it out, to make due with what we've got, to accept our circumstance and to ENDURE! Where along the way did we forget that God is more concerned with our HOLINESS rather than our HAPPINESS?

It isn't that God doesn't care about us and our desires. He cares about them even more than we do! He loves us and longs to lavish good things to us. However, being omnipotent and omniscient, He knows what we need. He knows what would ultimately destroy us or what would cause us to be pulled away from Him. The good things that God desires to give us don't often look like our personal list we've made along the way. From the time we were little, we've conjured up dreams, hopes and desires. We've set into cement, thoughts of what we must have before we reach a certain age or die - finally being able to surmount the peak of true happiness.

How much time have you wasted thinking about the "if only's," or "when that finally happens." Perhaps a better way of thinking would be, "God, you know my heart, my desires and dreams, but I want to align my life and heart with yours, help me to be more concerned with my holiness rather than my happiness." It is hard to bend our strong will to desire God's will...because we often have the false belief that God will only bring us sorrow, drudgery and a boring life! WE ARE SO VERY WRONG IN THAT THINKING! God has the most glorious, most fulfilling, most peace-filled life waiting for us, if we would be more concerned with holiness rather than happiness. What doesn't await us is a problem free life. What does await us is a supernatural contentment that comes from chasing good things, eternal things, unseen and known things that would blow your mind ...the best might be yet to come!

When we pursue God's will and desire holiness something wonderful begins to happen, we find that we are more content, we find that we are happier! Our heart turns from frustration and insatiable want to gratitude. It doesn't mean that God is going to ask you to remain somber or cause you to walk around wrapped in sack cloth - quite the opposite! God wants you to enjoy your life - because you are in a relationship with HIM. When we pursue God, understanding how great His love is for us we should actually be the most joyful beings on the planet, the most content people! What you need more than anything is Christ. Don't confuse need with want...God knows your real needs - He is the ultimate Provider of them! Fill your soul with what satisfies!

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? Luke 9:25

I Will Not Let You Go

Posting a snapshot of strong lesson after we brought Luke Aiden home from Ukraine 18 months ago...

We’d been home just ten days and the transition, while getting easier with each passing day, still brought challenges, especially when our precious son would have a moment of extreme defiance. This particular time was because we wouldn’t let him play with a CD player that belonged to his older sister. Moments before, he had been happily playing on his bike. When we explained as best as we could in a language he was just learning, that the player wasn’t something he could freely play with, he had a giant melt-down.

He screamed and attempted to break his toys. Of course, he was placed firmly but lovingly, in time-out. Then he began to hit himself, bite himself, beat his head against the wall, and twist his ear and his fingers until I was certain I would hear them break. Usually, I ignore the tantrums, but this time, he was going to hurt himself. I took a-hold of his little arms and spread them out as best as I could. He is so strong. I told him over and over again that I loved him; that Jesus loved him. He bit me. I prayed over him. I asked God to remove the darkness from his soul. He couldn’t understand my language. He didn’t understand that I was standing in the most glorious gap for his sake. I was before the Holy throne of God, desperately pleading the case for my wounded son. He was getting exhausted. So was I. I prayed and he screamed. I told him how much I love my little guy and he sunk his teeth into my arm, again. At this point, I thought it best to leave him alone. I closed the door to his room, walked into my office and my feeble knees gave way. I was exhausted and I buried my face into the carpet and pleaded with my God to heal my son’s wounds. I confessed that I didn’t think I could do this task that was before me. I confessed that I didn’t know if I even wanted to. I confessed that I desperately needed wisdom to walk this out. My heart ached for my son. In his pounding away at his own little body, I wanted to be the target. I wanted it to be my flesh that he wanted to destroy. I wanted to take it away and I could not. This was warfare and my battle would be one that I fight on my knees.

God sometimes speaks to me in a language that I cannot understand. I read his Word and I want to hear his voice over me. Yet, I cannot fully fathom this love; this pure love. I sometimes find myself thrashing in a fit of despair. The root of it is that I wanted my way and I don’t fully trust that God does what is most loving for me…always. Sometimes I desire things that would destroy me. I don’t physically thrust my own frustration back upon my body like my son, but I can lash out at someone I love when I am upset. I can act much like an orphan, instead of an adopted child who already sits in the position of having a rich inheritance in the Kingdom.

When I come to my senses, I come, running back to God, sometimes a little inhibited by my own shame, my own behavior. My son sometimes feels ashamed of his behavior and isn’t sure if it’s safe to come back to me after a fit of rage. Entering into my waiting arms is a vulnerable act. Vulnerability is necessary for brokenness but it requires trust. Trust is right now, the most difficult thing for my son. In my relationship with God, the hardest thing for me to do is often, to trust. The more my son allows himself to be broken, the more he will heal. Same for me; the more I am honest with what God already knows in my heart, the sooner it can be dealt with and the sooner I can enter back into his presence.

After another half hour of thrashing himself against his bed, he calmed down. I think he even fell asleep for a few minutes. Suddenly, he was calling out for mom; ready for reconnection. I firmly and gently tell him that he cannot bite and that he should not hurt himself. I fold him into my arms and tell him I love him. He buries himself deeper into my neck and says that he loves me. I know that his love for me is somewhat conditional. He doesn’t really understand what love is; or how to love. It’s like the discussion in the last chapter of John. Christ is asking Peter if he loves him and Peter isn’t quite capable of that agape love… yet. Through my doubt, defiance; through Peter’s doubting, God never let go. He stood in the most glorious gap for our sakes and gave his son – the tearing and thrashing of his precious son’s flesh, so that we would not feel the complete consequence of our sins. He offered us mercy and grace. He offered us a way to come back even though we have been defiant, selfish and vile…he made a way so that in our most transparent vulnerability, we long to be folded back into his arms.

Though warfare rages for the hearts of the fatherless; for all of us, God will never let go of me, nor remove his eyes from me or my precious son. His perfect love has closed the gap and someday, my son will come to understand that.

Our precious Luke Aiden is so far from this now and all praise goes to God for that! We are so blessed by our sweet little boy who has taught us more about the character of God than anyone!

When it doesn't make sense

Sometimes, life just doesn't make sense. My daughter (Jena) is feeling that way today. She is a medic and this morning they got a call for a man, younger than her dad. Just as she does every day, she puts into motion whatever she can humanly do to save the patient. She immediately begins CPR, administering life saving drugs while her partner is working just as hard, attempting to open air ways and to stabilize this man. Because they are so intensely fighting for this man, the fireman drive them to the ER. Carried into the hospital, Jena rides on the cot with the patient, still working on him. She's thinking he's going to come back, she's praying with all her might that he does. Once they get into the shock room, doctors stand back, letting her continue. For 48 minutes she had stayed over this man, praying, administering life saving drugs and compressions, doing all that she has been trained to do. But he didn't come back. A family is now without a father, a husband. A son is now gone, a friend, a neighbor, a co-worker.

Jena is left with the thoughts that ramble and run through a mind when the situation doesn't make sense, "Why didn't you save him, God?" There are no answers as to why God chose not to allow this man's heart to beat again. There is no one on the earth that can soothe her and her partner's helpless feeling and certainly no soothing balm that will adequately help the immense loss this man's loved ones are about to face. Humans did all they could so save this man. Prayers were fervently prayed. But this time, the answer was no. I pray that he knew Jesus as his Savior. I pray that he is in the presence of His precious Jesus and so glad that that medic who tried with all of her might, was not able to bring him back. I pray that heaven is rejoicing that another child has come home. He no longer has to strive, worry, know fear, sorrow and tears. He has been set free from the bondage of sin and despair.

So many times we question when God doesn't do what we think he should. We've lost a child, our marriage has broken up, we lose our home, cancer comes back, our child destroys his life with drugs, another miscarriage, orphans lie naked and starving on the street...heart breaking times when life doesn't make sense. God indeed is heartbroken over what breaks our heart. He is not some distant God who desires to give you only sorrow and pain. There is another entity at work here - there is an enemy of God who has, since the fall of man in the Garden of Eden caused ONLY intense grief for mankind. Satan is the father of lies, he seeks to destroy and kill. We are all doomed to death because we all have sinned. We are all powerless, in our pathetic attempts to help ourselves. We cannot resuscitate our deadened hearts.

There will come a day, when Satan is defeated and precious one, we are growing ever so close to that day! Until that day, however, we still have defeat over the power of Satan and the power of death! The cross of Jesus Christ is the only hope we have and where we find our victory. Christ bore our sins, he removed the finality of death. He took our penalty upon himself so that, when we accept this most wondrous gift, we stand before a Holy God, the Father of Christ, as pure! That is a miracle! We are no longer defeated by death! We are no longer defeated by the lies of the enemy!

That doesn't mean that life will come without sorrow and immense pain. Christ warned us that we would, in the WORLD have tribulation - the WORLD is full of pain, sorrow and death, but Christ goes on to say that HE HAS OVERCOME THE WORLD....that means that our hope is in him, not in this world, not in all that we know in relationships, the pursuit of career, possessions, health or even family....all those are good things....but within those things - you will know pain. Christ is the only one who brings complete hope, complete peace and complete healing. Does it mean we won't ever know soul-splitting sorrow ---no! But, we do have the confidence in knowing that God cares! He cared so much about us that he sent his son here - to this vile and evil world to die for us! I wouldn't send my youngest son, Luke to the most disgusting and sinful place in the world, but God did - because that's how much he loves you!

We won't have answers to all of our hard times until we get to heaven. Sometimes we see why God allowed some things and sometimes we don't. All we can do then is to fall at his feet and weep, knowing he is there, standing over us, never leaving us. He too, feels the heartbreak of sin that has overtaken the world. He knows how helpless we feel when a man, so young dies. He doesn't expect us to simply shrug it off or become calloused to the pain. It is OK to grieve, lament and yes, even question why. For a time, for a season, grieve, asking God to wash over you. Allow him to help you move away from mistrust to trust. Ask him to reveal himself to you. His love for you, in the times of questioning doesn't change, press into him, closer, closer still. He so longs to lavish you with his love.

I promise you, God has not left you nor forsaken you! I promise you he will bring you comfort even when you don't understand. He promises you that he has overcome the world....there will come a day when there are no more tears.

Let us keep this man's family in our prayers, that God would bring supernatural peace and comfort. While we are at it, pray for the first responders who deal with life and death every day and find so often, they are left, questioning.

As a Loved One is Locked into Addiction

There is a powerful scene in the movie, The Notebook. After the husband finishes reading "their" story, the wife regains her memory. She realizes that the man sitting across from her is her husband. The moment he sees in her eyes that she is "back" he wraps his arms around her. They raise onto their feet, so gently, so sweetly he dances with his beloved...the woman he has sat next to day after day, hoping, waiting, for her return. They are reunited as she reciprocates the love he has continually lavished upon her. It is glorious. Suddenly, she looks at him as if he were stranger. She pulls away. He tries to embrace her - desperate attempts to keep her with him a little while longer. It is no use...she slips away. She screams at him. Once again, she becomes the stranger. Helpless, his legs fold. He sits on the edge of her bed, clasps his hand over his mouth and his body heaves soul-splitting sobs. His beloved, his sweetheart, is gone again.

You can identify with the above scene if you have known a loved one who has been in bondage to addiction. You pray. You hope. You desperately cling to whatever you can of the person you knew and then suddenly, the stranger appears and you are left with soul-splitting sorrow.

It is a roller-coaster ride for your emotions. How can hope and hopelessness dwell so closely together? You can't help but to long to see a change. Perhaps this time they will stop. Maybe this consequence will finally get their attention. We want to believe the best - but as the demons torment them, the person we love becomes all the more unrecognizable. Oh, where have they gone? You grieve, you mourn the loss of time, the loss of relationship, the loss of knowing that person as they were.

You don't to enable, you want to show tough-love. You want to be strong and yet, so often, you find that your knees buckle, you fall onto your bed, sobbing soul-splitting sobs. You grow numb as you look around and realize how far the addiction has taken you as well...another person's prison has stolen your joy and dreams.

Where is God in the midst of all of it? Where is He and why doesn't He do something to rescue your loved one? Why do you have to suffer at the hand of someone else so deeply? Hard questions.

God cares deeply for you. He is right there with you. His desire is to see the shackles broken off your loved one. His desire is for complete restoration! Psalm 100 says: Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

A good shepherd goes after his lost sheep. God is THE Good Shepherd. God takes delight in rescuing his wayward children. He is in the business of mending broken dreams and broken hearts. He is the one who causes revival and repentance. He is the one who will call your beloved out of the slimy pit and set him upon the firm foundation. He is the one who is the mender and changer of hearts. There is no circumstance, sentencing, tough love, program, treatment, medication that is more powerful than God! There is no one on the earth that longs to see your beloved rescued than God!

Beloved, do not give up praying for your loved one who is shackled to addiction! Allow God to work in that person's life - it many mean changing some things - letting go and choosing to continue to live - with the hope that God's heart is to see this person restored!

Will there still be those soul-splitting sobs where every ounce of you cries out in the deepest sorrow because your loved one goes farther away....most likely. Will there be choices and actions you have to take in order to allow God more room and access in their lives ...perhaps. But God desires to carry you ever single painful step of the way.

Words to a song I wrote years ago while my own husband struggled says it best:

Parched like a desert, my heart is hard and dry
weary of the hours that bring sorrow, no life
Though my heart can't feel you, I know that you say
Count is all as joy, for my love in you remains

Chorus: If this is what must be, to bring me closer to you
If this is how you make me more like you
Than take me in your arms and hold me close to you
You are all I'm after, you are all I need.
If there's any other way, I cannot see the end,
All I am cries out to you, oh hold me close, again

Hopelessness it pierces though my doubting heart,
desperate for your promise, Oh Lord, please come again.
In a darkened garden, his heavy heart prayed
Tears falling down upon his face
Is there any other way? Is there any other one?
Father take me in your arms, not my will but yours be done

Beloved, God is holding you ever so close! Walk forward, allowing God to move. Move into his arms for he is a good shepherd and where his sheep are concerned he has unfailing ears!

Your Shame is No More

We are starting up the Bride's study again next Tuesday. I love being with these young women! They are so refreshing and real. We deal with the hard issues of marriage and often someone ends up in tears...they feel they are failing, there is struggle within the relationship, or they are simply feeling overwhelmed.

We've dealt with everything from addictions (chemical, pornography, computer/video game, etc.) distractions, God's plan for marriage, submission, intimacy/sex, communication, fear, control as well as many other issues/topics. One place we often return to is shame. Shame invades our moments of nakedness in the marriage bed. Adam and Eve immediately felt "uncovered and naked" after the fall.

Shame whispers that we aren't good enough, not deserving and can even tell us that we do deserve to be treated wrongly by others. Shame tells us to hide. Shame can cause us to live in the fear of being found out. Shame wants to shut others out. Shame thwarts intimacy and relationships.

In Scripture, we see Jesus reaching out to women who were covered with shame. When others were embarrassed to be seen with them, he looked right at them, spent time with them, offered them healing in exchange for their shame. Jesus restored them, he was relational - he knew their past, and he offered them a future.

Shame will reveal itself in your marriage and in your marriage bed. If you are a child of God then you have nothing to do with shame - I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34:4-5.

No matter what you have done, no matter what you have been - Christ has covered your shame - you are free to love and to live in the fullness of Christ - you are radiant, Beloved - never covered again, with shame!

Outrageous Love

Many people have asked us why we wanted to adopt, especially since we were so close to being empty-nesters. Mark and I were in the midst of season of laying everything down before God. We were wiling to do whatever it was that He had in mind for us. We were willing to pray outrageous prayers..."We are willing, Lord, show us what you have for us." That can be a hard thing when you recognize there is a cost to be paid for praying such a prayer.

We didn't adopt because we wanted a warm-fuzzy, fairy-tale experience. We weren't looking for another child to fulfill an unmet need or emotion. We weren't hoping for love and gratitude to pelt us in return from our adopted child. We weren't looking for a return at all. We were simply doing what we felt God had called us to do.

We knew of Luke, his issues, his vast emotional wounds and what it might look like to bring him fully into our family. We way underestimated the work, the discouragement, the investment and the blessings.

Mark claimed Luke as his own from the beginning. He looked past all the behavior issues, the emotional instability, the physical problems...Mark had an outrageous love for a little boy that most had deemed quite unworthy of adoption, of a chance, of redemption.

Luke used to feel that his new life was just too good to be true. He was just waiting to be tossed away, again. He lived believing that at any moment, we'd get tired of his ways. Oh, how he tested us in those ways. It didn't work. Luke couldn't thwart our love for him. He didn't trust that his father had his best interest in mind and did what was most loving to him.

Often in the early days after Luke knew enough English he would tell us that he didn't know why we chose him, and how could it be that we loved him - when we didn't even know him. We explained to him, that we loved him because God placed him in our heart. Luke's earthly father loved him before Luke even knew of him.

Luke has been redeemed with an outrageous love! Adoption so looks like our adoption into God's family. Though it pales in comparison to the outrageous love that Christ showed on the cross, it is a beautiful example of our Heavenly Father claiming us as His own - loving us before we even knew Him, that He always does what is most loving for us. There is no way we could ever repay God for this most glorious gift - He doesn't want us to even try! God is after a relationship with us - one of intimacy, trust and obedience. It isn't a relationship of doing to please Him - of earning His love, because we can't! That is why God's love is so outrageous! It seems too good to be true. But, beloved child of God it is real and God desires it is so very real to you!

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. Jeremiah 31:3b

Is that us in that picture?!

In the mail yesterday I received a newsletter from one of my favorite ministries: Revive Our Hearts (Nancy Leigh DeMoss). I unfolded the glossy-faced paper and glanced at the front. Immediately, my eyes caught site of two recognizable individuals, featuring their testimony on the next page. I quickly folded it back up and laid it on my desk. I'd look at it later, when my husband was home. It is strange for us to see our picture and story "out there."

Later, when we were ready to go to bed, I remembered the newsletter and got it out and showed my husband. He immediately cringed. I read it quickly, skimming over the words from the safe view behind his arm that was holding the paper. We pray that others see the testimony of a faithful God who worked in our hearts and lives. God is still working in us! Our story is not a "...and they lived happily ever after story," but it is a story of how we found grace and mercy and learned to extend that as we journeyed through marriage. We still have times where we struggle. We still have times where God reminds us back of those profound, painful lessons.

My husband is the most transparent man I've ever known. There is no pretense about him. He has no desire for anyone to look to him for hope - it is God and God alone that gets him through every day. Same for me. I love biographies of people who lived lives dedicated to God. I am inspired as they reveal their struggles, revelations, and the ever-present help of God. Unfortunately, in our culture, we've gotten away from the value of "biography" and have instead, lusted after "celebrity." God did a mighty work in our lives and we want GOD to stay in the forefront and in every nook and cranny of our testimony as GOD desires to use it - to bring Glory to HIS name.

When we found out that Moody Publishing desired to publish my book, our greatest concern was ourselves....we are a work in progress, just like everyone else, we are desperate and needy for our Savior - each and every day. We have no desire to be looked at, put in a position where we do not belong or thought more highly of than we should be. We praise God for His blessing in the way of opportunity to tell more people about what He has done. I put forth a great deal of hard work in the telling of His story and He is allowing the work of my hands to be fruitful. It is all - only by HIS grace!

There are other happenings on the horizon....a video being taped in March at our home (oh my, can you imagine the cleaning I'm going to have to do!), more dedicated work that goes into the preparations of publishing a book. It kinda makes our head spin. How could God ever use us? The only way is because he desires to use what HE has done and continues to do in our lives! We have nothing to offer the world, we have nothing of value or worth that any other person would desire. But we do have the greatest treasure man could ever possess - an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ!

We would so appreciate your prayers in the next coming months. Having all of your dirty laundry out to air is worth it if it causes someone to relate to our very real and transparent struggles, someone to persevere in a difficult marriage, and mostly, if it causes others to seek HIM!

Not to us, Oh Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness. Psalm 115:1

Not Forgotten

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! Isaiah 49:15

No brightly colored rooms, no diapers, no warm blankets. Dirty cribs held babies who had long stopped crying, they had learned no one comes when they cry out. Some of the babies had serious health issues; others appeared amazingly healthy considering their diet mostly consisted of cabbage soup. The babies in this orphanage were some of the loneliest beings my eyes had ever seen. Though still under a year old, the babies didn’t make eye contact, they didn’t coo or laugh when you interacted with them, they didn’t melt their bodies into your arms. Some even went ridged when held. They were mere infants and it seemed as if they had already given up.

The older kids appear to feel forgotten they naturally pointed visitors to the younger children. Such inner turmoil was visible. They longed to engage with us, yet they protected their gravely wounded hearts. What is the point in hoping when searing disappointment will only torture their desperate souls? Most everyone wants the younger kids; the older ones are used to being passed by. They were merely surviving in a hollowed out shell.

I spent years going to orphanages all over the world. My heart was broken and burdened so deeply for the millions of children who have never had a human tear shed on their behalf. No one has looked their way unless they wanted to use, abuse, or capitalize on their vulnerability. I cannot reconcile the evil that pounces upon a child at any given moment, all over the world, every day of every passing year. I cannot imagine the horrors some of these delicate souls have had to endure. It is nauseating. I cannot understand much of the suffering this world has to offer. The world offers pain, sickness, greed, pride, disappointment and eventually, physical death. At times it is hard to reconcile a loving God with such grim pictures in the stealing away of children’s innocence. But this is exactly why we so desperately need to see God in this picture.

God chose to come to this place that holds such sorrow and abuse. God chose to dwell among those who would hurt the vulnerable, the innocent, the despairing. Since the beginning of man, children have been abused, they have been orphaned and they have been abandoned. Since the beginning of time, God had a plan. He had a strategy to redeem his children.

We were murderers from the get-go. We hate with our heart and want what we cannot have. We cling to our idols no matter how many times God has proved himself trustworthy. We have sickened ourselves with addictions. We have set up our private little kingdoms, thinking we are worthy of worship. We have manipulated, lied, stolen, and ignored the wounded. We are a filthy, pathetic bunch of orphans running around with snotty attitudes and noses. How lifeless we can be. How depressed we are with thinking that God looks past us, to the more beautiful ones, to more “deserving” ones. Though He cradles us in his loving arms, we grow rigid. Though He came and dwelt among us, gave His life blood for us, cried out for us and redeemed us, we still act as if we are orphans.

Precious, beloved child of God, see His heart for you, for the orphan. Feel His tender compassion on you, on the Fatherless. Know that He is your Abba, Father, he sees it, He hears the silent cries, and He smells the sick vapors of the evil atrocities upon the vulnerable. In those times of hard questions, He is there. He has always been there. He has not sat silent, He has not allowed evil to prevail. Death has been conquered and one day evil shall be no more. Nothing, not dirty cribs, blank stares, empty arms, broken dreams, shattered lives, stolen innocence, the starving body, not even death can thwart the power of the moment God stepped down into this world and redeemed his children. You are a redeemed child of God, your sins have been forgiven - you are no longer an orphan. You are not forgotten!